


Altitude

by bambithepenguin



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 03:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5612998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambithepenguin/pseuds/bambithepenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The year is 2004, and the paths of fame are yet untrodden. Alex, a shy beginning musician, meets Theo, just a common Manchester guy at this point, after a concert. The aftermath of a tipsy talk on music, stardom and romance turns out to be way more far-reaching than one might think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rock-n-Roll Star

**Author's Note:**

> It might contain some chronology mistakes, as some details have been altered to serve the plot and others are just too old and hard to find out. But, after all, this is just fanfiction, so I hope you will forgive me those faults.

The year was 2004. The paths of fame were yet untrodden. Some were only raising a foot to make the first step, others wandering in the distance and searching. There was no Spotify, Twitter and Instagram, the barrier between celebrities and fans was more solid and opaque, and there was less information circulating in the world. Many things, trifles or not, worked differently. However, the essence of music and love stays the same at all times. 

Manchester, arguably the most musical English city, buzzed with excitement that night. A young but already quite well-liked band from Sheffield was performing, and a crowd of jaunty adolescents crammed the small club to see who those rapidly rising Arctic Monkeys were. The youngsters on the stage were no older than their audience and, even if looking just as jaunty, sustaining that view with certain efforts. Shy boys in simple jeans and T-shirts, they could hardly believe that all those people had come to listen to them and were obviously having a lot of fun. Touring was only becoming a habit, and concerts still felt a bit surreal. Alex was shouting the words out so loudly as though it would help him shush the timidity inside and giving the audience rare scared glances. Fortunately, the view was encouraging, but still, stage calm was months and years away.

Only when the concert ended with wild applause, the band eased off. A few spectators even came up to them afterwards to pat them on the shoulders or shake their hands. It was new and flattering, and suddenly the night felt like a big success, even though in fact it was quite a common one – at least at that point. To celebrate another victory, the four ordered beer and tinkled their glasses happily, but only to wince and exchange frowns seconds later.

“Do they pour this right from the sewage pipes?” Jamie wondered, squinting at the glass in his hand with the attention of a chemist, working with the wildest acids.

“Maybe one day we’ll grow to other pipes,” Matt noticed to gain chuckles from the lads.

“And until then, we should just find some better ones in this city,” Andy suggested, putting his glass away and nodding at the door. Alex, the only silent member of the band, who had just been screaming vigorously and maybe had even lost his voice, only smiled as a sign of consent. Bacchanal adventures were among neither his nor the band’s hobbies, but trying one could be fun. 

“Yeah, right,” Matt agreed, “Manchester’s nightlife’s one of the strongest in the country, I’ve heard. What do you say, Al?”

“Uh…” Alex coughed and went on hoarsely, “Yeah, let’s get a taste while we have a chance.”

The excited newbies left their chairs and sauntered to the exit. The thought of their fidgety figures roaming down the dark streets of Manchester did not inspire Alex much. He had only been to Manchester a couple of times. None of them knew a lot about its bars and clubs, but everybody had heard how grim this city was. Probably even grimmer than Sheffield – but Sheffield was home, after all.

“Let’s ask someone for directions, maybe?” Alex coughed out.

“Yeah, we should…” Matt agreed and noticed a company of lads their age, looking confident enough to be locals, “They’ll do. Hey, guys, do you know a good place to have a pint?” Matt asked them, with Jamie and Andy awkwardly shuffling their legs behind him. The thin and small figure of Alex was almost disappearing behind them, and he did not seek for a braver position – peeking out was just enough. The tipsy lads seemed to be unreasonably flattered by the interest of those who they had just been listening to and screaming of delight, even though now, when the stage had been left behind, two companies did not look much different.

“Oh! You guys are fucking cool!” several lads exclaimed something like that at the same time but the point was basically the same, “That was one awesome show! Can’t wait to see you here again!”

The band smiled timidly and listened to further exuberant compliments taking them away from the initial question. As Matt, Andy, and Jamie started talking, the chaotic collective monologue became a conversation, but Alex, once again, only said a few words and mostly stared at the friendly fellows stealthily. Those were common rough British faces, absolutely the same Alex could see in his own city. Of course, they could be good lads, but no big aspirations shone in their eyes, and their words gave away a narrow mind. Alex would not remember them if he tried. Such everyday types tend to mix up into a single generic person we seem to meet again and again at different times and places.

Alex’s disinterested gaze slid further and suddenly intersected with somebody else’s stare right at him. Startled to meet an attentive silence among this useless talk, Alex did not even look away at once and goggled at the stranger. The tall lad’s features, partly hidden by his shoulder-length blond, probably bleached hair, were nothing similar to his friends’ rustic faces. Those were sharp, curious features of a movie star, although the ruffled hair and a ridiculous greenish coat spoiled the impression to some extent. His eyes somehow managed to reconcile the ardor of a poet and the meticulousness of a scientist. Unlike the whole Mancunian gang, this bundle of contrasts gripped Alex’s attention and held it tightly. Only when the company came back to the original inquiry and stopped talking all at once, Alex realized himself and turned away from the examining dark eyes.

“We were just going to leave this place for a better club, not so far from here,” a well-built bloke said, “Want to come with us?”

“Yeah, let’s go!” the musicians said, and the mixed company tumbled outside.

The unfamiliar streets looked less intimidating when there were now about ten lads in total walking down them and looking for the “better club”. Everybody palled up quickly, and the cheerful shouts threatened to wake up the whole neighborhood. Once again, Alex fell behind in every way. He was trying to squeeze in or at least say something vaguely funny, but failed all the time. Glaring at his babbling friends resentfully, Alex decided to give up on this and wait until the club where meetings and conversations, as a rule, happen easily.

Now Alex trailed behind on purpose so that the rowdy Mancs would not accidentally trample him down. It was a truly depressing promenade, and the napes ahead did not even bother to turn around once and check on him. In all fairness, Alex could not hold a grudge against his friends: no more of social butterflies than he was, they were just too happy about fitting in to drag him in as well. As for the new companions, why would they care at all? Only that long-haired bloke glanced back and let out a quiet sigh of compassion. The view was probably too miserable, Alex thought. The lad slowed down, and they walked side by side without a word for a whole minute, their friends talking and singing loudly ahead. Finally, the silent sympathizer introduced himself:

“Hi, I’m Theo!”

“I’m Alex, nice to meet you,” Alex said, partly grateful for the long-awaited attention and partly scared of those smothering eyes that had just started another fierce attack. It felt not only like an examination, but an examination to which Alex had come three hours late and without any writing implements. He tried to understand what could have caused such disapproval. Was there something ridiculous stuck in his hair? Or had his clothes ripped in an embarrassing way and he had not even noticed?

“So this is what you’re like,” Theo said contemplatively while Alex was searching for flaws on himself nervously, “I imagined you in such a different way.”

“Uh?” Alex could only mutter, struggling to grasp how much of an insult it was.

“I thought you were, like… A rock’n’roll star. The Libertines type or something.”

“Oh… For some reason, most people I meet consider it their sacred duty to tell me something like this,” Alex noticed with acid bitterness, “Give me a chance, okay?”

Theo shook his head intensely, and the hair billowed even more.

“I didn’t mean to offend you! I’ve heard you play, and you’re fantastic! I mean… It’s just funny how you imagine your heroes to be almost godlike and think they do and say everything in a totally different way than you do. And you…” Theo stuttered, scanning Alex so meaningfully that he instantly felt even tinier and shabbier. The hero part and the vague reproach were fighting in his mind. “How old are you, by the way?”

“18.”

“Wow. I’m 18 too but I thought you were about 13. Big success for that age,” Theo chuckled.

Alex was one step close to putting his quills out. Was that dark-eyed Mancunian walking beside just to scoff? And just after Alex had crowned him above all his friends in the blink of an eye?

“Sorry, I’m talking shit,” Theo mumbled as he noticed the suppressed anger, “It’s not that I often talk to the musicians I listen to, and I just never know what to say. Actually, it’s great that there’s such a young and independent working class band on the rise. Truly important and inspiring. A counterweight for the opulent and overly positive American music scene.”

Not even noticing it, they fell behind more and more, and the lively voices ahead faded. Only Theo’s heartfelt delights were voicing the autumn night now. Alex glanced at him with infant interest as he finally heard the vocabulary and tone he had anticipated.

“I have a friend in Sheffield,” Theo went on, “He lent me that demo record of yours… ‘Beneath the Boardwalk’, wasn’t it? Fantastic tunes! Basically singing the spirit of being young in England. And then I discovered them on the Internet as well, circulating wildly… You might become the first Internet band,” he giggled, and Alex smirked doubtfully.

“That would be highly ironic. We all know little about the Internet. Personally, I have no idea how to put a song into it. Do you, like… have to mail somebody a CD?”

“Not really… What’s the point of the whole thing then?”    

“Uh… I don’t know. This is probably why I don’t use it much.”

“Too bad. It has a lot of advantages.”

“Like what?”

“Remember that crammed room a while ago? There’s a big chance you owe it to those people who see the point and share your songs online.”

Alex let out a skeptical sniff and kicked a pebble on the pavement.

“I wonder how all those earlier bands managed. It’s sad that The Beatles didn’t have the Internet near at hand, and nobody knows about them now.”

Theo laughed and patted Alex on the shoulder, as though approving of the joke.

“Right. But things change, Alex. There are so many new ways to become famous. You put something up as nobody, wake up the next day – and the world is suddenly at your feet. Of course, not every time and probably not so much today… But it will be quite common soon.”

“Maybe,” Alex nodded just to avoid further debates.

The crowd ahead of them stopped at a two-storied building with a purple neon sign over the door. Apparently, it was their destination. Theo glanced at the nightclub in the distance and turned to Alex again hastily, as though trying to finish the conversation before the stirring crowd would absorb them and probably take the opportunity away.

“I’ve fucked up again. I mean, you don’t owe it all only to those people,” Theo blurted out, “You owe it to your talent and hard work, first of all. All the websites would be useless if there was nothing to share in the first place. But there is, both already existing and something yet to come, and I hope the world greets it as it should.”

“Um… Thank you,” Alex mumbled. The unexpected flattering turn of the conversation made him look down bashfully, not to mention how his cheeks blossomed with red. However, they were already merging with their friends again, each getting back to his own company, and the club door seemed to be the end of the acquaintance.

It was indeed a better place, with delicious drinks and decent music in the loudspeakers, but also a more crowded one. The company scattered around the big room quickly and lost sight of each other. Some were drinking, others dancing, and the most confident ones looking for affairs. Alex tried to stick to his bandmates at first but soon felt like some annoying and helpless ballast and stopped following them. Jamie stayed next to him the longest. They had a couple of cocktails together and discussed the music in the club (an appealing mix of British classics and new hits) but then even Jamie drifted away.

Alex ordered another drink and tapped the bar stand nervously. Yes, he thought, that jocular bloke had been right: Alex was far from a typical rock star. He did not feel like one, particularly beyond the stage. Just a quiet, reflective, innocent boy he had always been – but now occasionally playing concerts in other cities, contacting some other, higher world more often and getting left confused most of the time. Howbeit, this state of things was alright with him. Alex had never dreamed of revelries, lechery and scandals. It was just about the music, and what others expected to come with it, did not matter at all.

“Hey, how’s your evening?” Theo asked merrily, falling out of the crowd and leaning on the counter, “Not very rock’n’roll, is it?”

“Why are you so obsessed with this concept?” Alex wondered in a tired voice, “Rock’n’roll doesn’t have a set of rules carved in stone.”

“I know. But, as a young aspiring musician, you’re wasting a lot of opportunities, and I feel sad about it. I wouldn’t.”

“Well, our positions right now are basically the same so why don’t you go back to your opportunities if it distresses you so much?” Alex raised his eyebrows as a menacing hint but Theo just sat next to him with a persistent grin.

“I don’t want to. This club’s here every day, and you’re not.”

“Uh… yeah…” Alex murmured, flustered again. It was hard to figure out his own attitude towards this weird half-stranger. The leaps between compliments and indistinct rebukes were too fast to choose an appropriate reaction, so, in the end, there was hardly any. Leastwise, Alex could hide behind his drink and win some time while looking relatively dignified. Not for Theo, though.

“Is this kid-friendly lemonade?”

“Eh, no. This is a margarita. What?” Alex frowned as Theo let out a gracious smile you can usually see on somebody’s face when a child draws something incomprehensible but adorable.

“Nothing. A gin and tonic, please,” Theo said to the bartender demonstratively and turned back to Alex, “I’m just trying to understand whether you’re unbreakable or actually a hopeless softie.”

“Well, I’m shift-worker.”

Laughing, Theo bent forward for his drink, and his hair almost brushed Alex’s face, an uninvited flowery smell filling his nose and mind. And this seemingly uncouth lad dared mock his stereotypically girly drink!

“Is it your first time in Manchester?” Theo asked as he raised his glass.

“Nah… I’ve been here once or twice. But my first time with the band,” Alex added hopefully, for some reason willing to provoke a toast, and the plan succeeded.

“Let’s drink for it then! And for many, many more marvelous nights in Manchester,” Theo grinned as their glasses clinked together.

Judging by how easily gin and tonic left the glass, it was probably not the first and not even the fifth drink for Theo that evening. However, he looked fine. The only effect was his tongue loosening up even more.

“Please, don’t be offended by the shit I blurt out,” Theo mumbled pleadingly and even grabbed Alex’s hand for more persuasiveness, “I didn’t want to hurt you in any way! I mean, we’re the same age, both from Northern cities, so it’s easy to relate, you know? And if I were in your shoes, I would probably behave differently. It’s like some kind of duty. I have a lot of posters in my room, and when I look at them, I pray that those people are living the life I can’t live. They can and they should.”

“Perhaps they can. But you’re overestimating the distance between us,” Alex noticed, “I mean, what can I do that you can’t? The answer is, barely anything. We’re just a beginning band who couldn’t even hold the instruments right a few years ago. Some of us still can’t, to be honest. It’s all about the hype.”

“It’s not. You’re really great. And rapidly evolving. While I’m basically no one.”

“Why don’t you start a band yourself if it’s bothering you so much?”

“Ah, I’ve tried a couple of, uh… projects. It was fun but not really the road I’d like to stick to. I feel like something’s missing. Maybe the right mood and circumstances, maybe the right people who would need my strengths and compensate my weaknesses. There has to be some perfect equation but it’s hard to guess in advance. How does it work in your band?”

“Well, yeah, bandmates are important,” Alex said with a drunk swinging nod, “Even though I’m the one who writes the songs, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere without those guys. They’re like brothers to me. We’ve known each other since we climbed trees and played toy cars together so it’s all pretty stable, wherever our music life goes.”

“I have a lot of friends but it’s not like that,” Theo admitted, sad envy showing in his voice, “I wouldn’t trust them my professional future. And our music tastes don’t even match!”

“Why? Something particularly hard to meet a match?”

“Not something but almost everything. I’m a big pop music enthusiast, and so much stuff could actually pass as pop that horizons grow endless. Is there any other term that would apply, for example, both to Girls Aloud and Nine Inch Nails?”

“Uh… You have a point, I guess.”

“Yeah, thanks, but people that open-minded are somewhat rare,” Theo complained, “And there are even less of those who can find inspiration in so many things and at least allow a possibility of such a cocktail in their own music, if they would make some.”

The bitterness on his face was worn-out, as though it was an old and restless problem. Alex could not even imagine himself beyond the band at this point. He was just certain he would want to start a band anyway. As Theo’s sorrow permeated him, Alex sighed and put his hand on Theo’s shoulder.

“I’m sure somebody will come along eventually,” Alex mumbled, “You’re still young… with lots of time to search for the right thing… for something really yours…”

In his opinion, the attempts to sound uplifting failed miserably. Fortunately, Theo was already smiling again and did not look like he needed any more consolation.

“Right! Thank you. Let’s leave sad topics aside and dance instead,” he suggested suddenly and dragged the tiny singer into the crowd by the hand. Alex laughed and did not object. A song by The Smiths was playing, and, even though the lyrics were habitually pensive, dancing to it would probably be much more amusing than sitting at the counter alone.

In the bouncing crowd, to the epicenter of which Theo had brought him, there was little space for keeping distance and paying attention to what people around were doing. It was like doing a wild dance with the closeness of a slow one. Theo was almost squeezed to him. Only then Alex fully realized his height, after Theo’s nose hit his forehead a couple of times. It scarcely meant something, apart from the fact that there were too many people on the dancefloor, but Alex’s drunk mind found those accidental pecks amusing and even welcome. Asking for more of them, however, would be comical, so Alex just stared at Theo hopefully, devouring his reckless fascination and merrily using every push from behind to come closer. Theo seemed to be very well aware of the naive tricks because the leaps of joy in his face marked each one as though on purpose.

‘Rock 'N' Roll Star’ by Oasis started playing, to the thunder of approval from the crowd. Theo opened his mouth to make a joking remark but Alex put a finger over it and laughed.

“I’ll kill you if you comment on it once again.”

Restrained laughter tingled Alex’s finger.

“At least let me sing,” Theo smirked as he took Alex’s hand and put it on his own shoulder.

The choir of exuberant voices that knew the song by heart broke out. To his disappointment, Alex could barely distinguish Theo’s one among them and find out whether he sang well. Then he remembered that he had not even asked Theo what he would do in a band, and at this point, it would be stupid to shout a question into his ear.

“You’re all in my hands tonight!” Theo yelled the line and caught Alex in a hug, as though playing along with the song.

“This is figurative!” Alex laughed, making no attempts to back away from the shyly weak embrace, “But, you know, whatever…”

“That’s right,” Theo grinned, and his hands on Alex’s waist grew as confident as his smile.

Before Alex’s hazy mind managed to trail to the thought why was he even letting this lad be so free with his hands, the touch fell down anyway. The people were bouncing up and down and making lingering gestures almost impossible. The playlist did not facilitate as well, putting one lively song after another, while Alex was already yearning for something calmer. The raging dancefloor was becoming stuffy.

“I’m running out of air,” Alex said, “Do you mind if we stay away for a while?”

“Let’s go,” Theo nodded, and they pushed their way through the dancers. Luckily, an empty couch greeted them at the end of their journey, and both flopped down happily. Only at this point Alex suddenly realized how tired and sick he felt. He had not drunk too much but apparently the wild dancing and the empty stomach had mixed a dreadful concoction out of it. Alex hummed quietly and covered his face with hands.

“Hey, are you alright?” – he heard Theo’s concerned whisper at his ear. What a miserable view he was once again, Alex thought. Drank a few glasses, danced a little and dropped off. Such a wild reveler.

“Yeah, I’m just… I don’t know… Quite sober… But there’s a nasty feeling storming inside…”

“Shall I help you go to the restroom?”

“No, wait… It’s not that bad. I’ll just sit here for a while,” Alex murmured and dropped his head on Theo’s arm, stretched out on the backrest, “Sorry, I…” he started, but his voice faded as Theo just hugged him and sat still. Or lay still – Alex could not see with his eyes closed; he only felt the soothing embrace and Theo’s worried, uneven breathing beside. It was stronger than all of the drinks Alex had had that day and still, strangely, a valid remedy.

“If you need water or want to find your friends and leave, I’m here to help,” Theo said in a while.

“Hm… Thank you... But there’s no need by now, I guess. It’s settled down,” Alex murmured. The nauseous feeling turned out to be a false alarm (or a true one but cured swiftly). Now he had to stand up and stop embarrassing himself in front of this surprisingly caring half-stranger. Alex opened his eyes and rethought his plans in a blink. It turned out that all this time Theo’s face had been just in front of his own one, watching closely just in case or… maybe not only because of his moment of sickness? Much more than an obliged nursing look, it was an agitated gaze of an art admirer.

“I’m really fine now,” Alex reassured once again for some reason and only then realized that the situation was giving this sentence a double meaning. The implication was probably even more obvious, when their noses were almost bumping into each other and Theo’s right hand was choosing a place on Alex’s lap slowly and resolutely. Nonplussed but nailed to the spot by interest, Alex accepted the takeover silently and just stared into Theo’s absorbing hazel eyes. A mistake waiting to happen was hanging between their faces, and Alex realized it deep inside but played naive and unaware even in front of himself. Everything Theo had said that day was just calling him to make mistakes.

“Perfect,” Theo whispered and destroyed the remaining meager distance with a delicate, almost close-mouthed kiss. His right hand finally found a brave location and made Alex quiver slightly. Alex’s lips parted instinctively, but more because of astonishment than something else, although the kiss was just as unexpected as every single solution of the eternal ‘will they or won’t they’ movie trope. After a few seconds of unnecessary delay, Alex pulled back, blushing violently.

“Hey… Sorry but I’m not… like that…” Alex murmured, trying to be as polite as the awkward situation allowed. The embrace disappeared at once. Theo looked away, biting his lips.

“Uh… Okay. Sounds quite offensive but okay, sorry. Apparently my gaydar has failed me.”

“It’s not what I meant. I mean… one night stands with fans. I don’t do that.”

Theo looked at him again, and embarrassment in his face made way for a mixture of disbelief and annoyance.

“This is what you’re aiming for, right?” Alex added hastily as the stare grew too resentful.

“Seriously? Is that the reason? Oh, for fuck’s sake… ‘One night stands with fans’,” Theo mocked Alex’s apology, “So fans stand too low for you, don’t they? Do you sleep only with people of your own royal status?”

“I… Excuse me! Who I sleep with, shouldn’t concern you at all!” Alex flared up as well at such a childish response to rejection, “And how did you even get the idea I… owe you something?”

“You certainly don’t,” Theo shook his head, with a subtle hint at a smile on his lips, “I’m just amazed by your neatly veiled self-esteem. Like, I’m better than all of them, I’m pure and highly moral, go wallow in your dirt yourselves. This is just showing off. Neither you or anyone else benefits.”

“You’re twisting my words!”

“And you’re twisting my intentions! So you think if you’re in a band, everybody wants to sleep with you, right? I only wanted to kiss you, that’s all!”

“Anyway…” Alex grumbled, “Why would I need this? I don’t know you at all, and we probably won’t see each other again so… What for?”

“Ah, here’s the problem…” Theo let out an amiable smile again, “Well, everybody doesn’t know each other at first so I can’t see one. And still, here’s what I suggest. We meet again and spend a day together. But, like, when we’re on the same level. Not when you’ve just played a sold-out show and bathe in the lights of fame. Let’s just have a proper date, like two young people would. And I bet that by the end of it you’ll change your mind and kiss me yourself.”

Alex burst out laughing.

“Wow, and who’s the self-assured one here?”

“Well, I pick my own kind.”

“There’s no way you’re going to win, mate. No legal way, leastwise.”

“Ha-ha, we’ll see about that! Let’s make a bet,” Theo exclaimed enthusiastically.

“This is so weird. What would you bet?”

“Oh, I don’t know… Actually, if I win, I’ll get what I want so it’s fair that you think of a bet. Maybe a wish? I’ve lost so many of those bets in my life and done some ridiculous things. Went to a shop with a pan on my head, sat on a tree and sang kids songs, wore a dress and red lipstick…”

Choking on laughter, Alex even forgot for a second that he was supposed to be somewhat annoyed and uncomfortable. That jaunty lad, now enjoying the effect proudly and trying to remember more amusing incidents, just knew how to get away with things.

“Okay, this is hilarious, I must admit, but it doesn’t even matter,” Alex finally panted through the fading giggles, “I didn’t agree. And I’m busy. I won’t be here tomorrow.”

“Pft, Sheffield is about an hour away by train! Some people commute longer. I’ll come to Sheffield then, it’s not a problem.”

“Damn, you don’t need to come anywhere… I just…”

“So you ask to give you a chance but refuse me one?” Theo wondered artfully. The naughty sparks in his eyes ignited a no less playful answer.

“Alright. Convince me to give you a chance. By all means. How are you going to convince me to kiss you if you’re failing at this already?”

If Alex had seen his grinning face in the mirror, he would have realized how much coquettish consent it was expressing already. However, in fact, he did not even consider accepting the bet a possibility. He just wanted to tease – and he did not know why and what for, but Theo’s cockiness was just asking for it.

“Okay,” Theo said with a hopeful smile, “Let me think… Well, if you come to Manchester, I’ll arrange the most romantic date. For example, I know a couple of roofs where we can get safely. The view’s nothing unique but watching sunset from there is breathtaking. I’ll bring wine, snacks, my CD player and a couple of albums. I’ve got a lot. What would like to hear? The Strokes? The Beatles? Oasis? Got them all and many more. We can sit there for a whole eternity, like angels, watching the citizens from a cloud above the city, and… What?” Theo asked in confusion as Alex suddenly started laughing again. This romantic fairytale matched scarcely with its author, a clumsy youngster, whose long, messy hair covered at least a half of his fantasizing face. In all fairness, though, Alex almost blurted out “yes” so it was partly a defensive technique.

“Nope, sorry,” he sneered, “Try again if you want to.”

“Alright,” Theo sighed, “Another scenario…”

He swamped Alex with scenarios of the same sentimental kind with the persistence of a graphomaniac outside the Hollywood’s gates. Alex just laughed and shook his head, almost tempted to break down and throw himself into one of those tales but regaining control every time. Why did he even put up with it for so long with no intention to agree in the end? Maybe Theo looked too amusing, describing those rosy pictures and gesturing wildly, maybe such persistent conquest attempts were vaguely flattering as Alex had never been overloaded with attention. One thing Alex could hardly deny: implanted in his mind like an unsolvable riddle, Theo was about to leave a lasting impression, and mostly a positive one.

“I just can’t laugh anymore,” Alex finally reported, “Sorry, Theo, you lose. I have to find my bandmates and go home.”

“The loss is yours,” Theo pouted but remained cheerful, “Remember my words, Alex, I won’t forget about this conversation. I’ll get you one day. In a month or in ten years, but still…”

“Whoa, chill, Theo the conqueror,” Alex grinned, raising his arms as though he was giving up, “Ten years is a lot of time, nobody has the slightest idea about what they will be doing. I could be a farmer in Australia by then, and you could be living on Mars!”

“I like this idea! But there’s also a possibility we’ll be closer than ever.”

“Slim chance.”

“We’ll see,” Theo winked so meaningfully as though he had just looked into a crystal ball, “But since that’s all for now… See you next time, Alex,” Theo smiled and dived into the crowd before Alex even managed to murmur the last words. Most probably, it was just the aim – to prevent Alex from saying goodbye and therefore, in a way, extend the acquaintance.

Regret started flashing in Alex’s mind like intrusive cameras. He even wanted to jump up and rush after Theo, pushing everyone away and yelling something as though in slow motion, and then Theo would hear, turn around, his hair whipping gently, smile and… Oh damn, had Theo’s slushy spiels been so contagious? And anyway – who was there to lie to? – Alex was just inclined to them in the first place. ‘I pick my own kind’, Alex heard again in his head and stood up angrily – but just to search for his friends and go home.

Luckily, he bumped into a very cheerful and drunk Matt just a minute later and found out that Jamie and Andy had already left the club and gone to the tour bus, parked somewhere near the venue where their show had taken place. In a way, it was lucky that Matt had enough to tell about his evening, because it gave Alex an excuse to keep his own one in the dark. And was it even worth describing at all when it sounded just like an insignificant and shallow club occurrence and much more interesting ones happened in the world all the time? But Alex was not a collector of nightlife anecdotes and failed flirtations to give it so little attention. His whole mind was over this story by the time they reached the bus.

Monotone dusky landscapes flew by in the windows of the quiet, sleepy bus. Alex leaned his head on the glass and, his eyelids closing involuntarily, fell into deep thought – a chaotic but excessively visual type that usually happens just before you drop asleep. Youth and lust were aggrieved and setting up a riot. Under their attacks, Alex even lost sight of his explanation for sending Theo away. He was a witty and handsome fellow, after all, and nothing bad would have happened if Alex had loosened the strings just a little bit more and dropped the marionette of himself into Theo’s hands. Romantic besiegement so forthright had frightened and fascinated him at the same time. It was quite a rare occurrence in his life, particularly in such bizarre circumstances, new themselves.

A rosy halo around the ridiculous story grew rather quickly. Drowsily sentimental, Alex was thinking whether the promised next time would happen at all, in a month or in ten years. And if it would, the best reaction would be both to give and take a chance. Probably not in ten years, such a distant and unimaginable place, but at least in the near future. The drowsy conclusion settled down and bloomed into a dozen brief dreams, soppier than any of Theo’s scripts.


	2. Baby I Don't Care

However subtle the spark was, life did not waste any time and started fanning it just a couple of days after the concert. The exaggerated story was almost crossed out, when the glorious city of Manchester broke into the conversation in the middle of a rehearsal. Everybody was reminiscing about the obviously great show, and the river of stirring memories quickly brought them to the idea of going back in a while. Alex had fallen out of the reality right from the beginning of this topic and came to himself only at the third repeated question.

“Al, so what do you think?” Matt asked him again, “Shall we go to Manchester or not?”

“Uh… Sorry, dozed off… When?”

“In a month. The beginning of December or so. We’ve got to make some calls first to know the date.”

“Wow, in a month…” Alex mumbled absentmindedly, “Yeah, we should. That was kind of… predefined, I guess.”

The closer the comeback was, the more Alex quivered with excitement, as though his fantasies actually had a solid base. It had to mean something – the fact that they were going to Manchester again and, moreover, going there in a month, just as Theo had predicted. Every romantic soul in the world pays too much attention to such coincidences and looks into them thoroughly. Multiple wild crowds of dreams and questions were running around the fields of Alex’s mind, and he failed to shepherd them. Sometimes he wondered where exactly the fire of curiosity was coming from. Theo himself, surely a fascinating fellow? A covert wish to overcome the habitual ways and do something weird, like accepting a half-stranger’s bet for a kiss? His own romance-infected mind? Whatever the source was, it got everything burning by the long-awaited day.

Alex was the last one to tumble into the tour bus, rotating the same questions in his mind like a lever of a music box with a mysterious melody. Did Theo remember his heated promise? Would he even come to the show? And how would the meeting go with Alex’s principles left in Sheffield? Even though the band was not aware of his lengthy internal self-torture, everybody noticed that Alex’s face was even more meditative than usual. He neither joined the road games nor sang along whenever the company broke into another pop hit.

“I wonder what story happened a month ago that still casts a shadow over his face,” Matt joked unknowingly, “Keeping your frantic Manchester adventures undercover, Al?”

“It’s always the quiet ones, as they say,” Andy remarked.

“I’m just nervous before the concert, that’s all!” Alex protested with his cheeks instantly red. The adventures could have been much more frantic, anyway. After such a bounteous description, telling about what had actually happened would be completely embarrassing.

Just as the sane part of Alex’s mind had assumed, the smiley pop music enthusiast was not anywhere near the venue, and still it was disappointing. A jubilant movie-like meeting would have been much better. And why not, when Theo seemed to be just the type to set them up, maybe without even planning it? But why would he bother after such a terse response to his previous ideas? Hadn’t the story ended back then? Nightlife might bring dozens of accidental meetings, pleasant or not, but most of them never go beyond the night and the room that gave birth to them. With Alex’s scarce familiarity with the routine, it was forgivable of him to overthink it.

The band went on stage and began playing. They felt more habitual and relaxed this time, and Alex could hear a new level of confidence in their performance. However, Alex himself was not particularly satisfied, with a great disillusion going on in his mind. He did not avoid the audience’s eyes anymore. Quite the opposite – Alex scanned the crowd now and then, hoping to notice the greenish coat or the disorderly bleached hair. With Theo’s height and inexplicable magnetic powers, he would have been easy to see even among a crowd. All kinds of uplifting views met Alex’s eye – but not the one he was searching for. Well, it was only expected, Alex thought. Nobody remembers heated vows, fermented from liquor, let alone follows them.

Yet to play just three songs, the band was energized to the limit. Alex decided to abandon the pointless search, end the concert properly and forget about the anecdotic story for good. However, just when he decided to consign it to oblivion, Alex found what he was hoping to find. The inalterably shining Mancunian, after all, was at the show, just a bit further from the stage than Alex had expected him to be. This time, Theo was wearing a grey jacket and black fingerless gloves, and there was a plastic cup of beer in his hand. The reason why it had taken Alex so long to notice him was that Theo’s hair was brown now. After a month-long projection inside Alex’s head with a blond prince in the starring role, it was uncustomary, but, in fact, this color, probably his natural one, suited him much more and emphasized the dark eyes, just like nature had assigned it. Heat crawled up Alex’s spine swiftly, and a few words of the song came out squashed and tardy. Theo grinned and raised his cup jokingly. Smiling back at him, Alex recovered the pace and aimed to give the show the most impressive finale he could. What invigorated him even more, was that Theo seemed to be alone this time. His niceness to people around was obviously not on a friendly level.

The set list came to the end, and the crowd went streaming out of the building. Afraid to lose Theo in this human flood, Alex acted fast.

“Go home without me, I’ve got to stay here for a while,” he informed his tired bandmates, handing them his guitar, “Need to… uh… see a friend.”

“Stay for a whole good friendly night?” Jamie smiled. Everybody, including the blushing singer, chuckled.

“Nah, I just… It might take long or take nothing at all… I guess, it’s best for you to set off right now so I don’t keep you on a hook. I’ll probably go by train afterwards.”

His dark eyes of a sad puppy begged not to ask any more questions, and, luckily, Alex’s friends were not the overly inquiring kind. They just nodded, patted him on the shoulder, said their goodbyes and went outside through the backdoor. Just as their backs disappeared, Alex put his hoodie on and rushed in the opposite direction. With less people in the room, he found Theo at once. He was leaning against the wall near a red neon decoration and holding a renewed beer.

“Wow, the star is back in town!” Theo greeted the stumbling musician with a smile, “To what do we owe the honor?”

“A big hello to you too,” Alex only mumbled, his hopes for a warmer meeting crumbling down.

“Welcome back! Actually, I knew you’d return soon.”

“Uh… How?”

“I mean, the first show was a big blast! It was just reasonable to come back and double the success.”

“Well, did we?”

“I guess so. Have you seen how intense the moshing was?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen, I… was looking for you…”

A flattered grin of an award winner emerged on Theo’s face.

“Were you? Well, sorry, I’m a peaceful guy so I stayed away from the mash. I hope I didn’t hurt your self-esteem by not fighting for the opportunity to be close to you,” Theo sneered.

“Oh… I’ll try to survive this shot,” Alex promised sarcastically, “I couldn’t find you for so long because of your new hair color. Why something so radical?”

“It’s my natural color, actually. Something important was about to happen, so I decided to greet it anew but at the same time as I really am.”

“Do you mark important events with hairstyle changes?” Alex chuckled but Theo parried at once.

“And you probably don’t, because, according to that principle and judging by your hairstyle, you haven’t had anything important happen to you since you were, like, ten years old.”

“Touché. And what important event made you dip your head in a barrel of hydrogen peroxide? Eminem phase?”

“How did you know?” Theo perked up suddenly.

“Oh fuck…” Alex burst out laughing at his unexpected target hit, “I was just kidding!”

“And I wasn’t,” Theo declared with a resented frown and, to Alex’s horror, fell stubbornly silent. For a few seconds, Theo was just puckering, sipping his beer and demonstrating with might and main that he was waiting for somebody else and the heart-eyed wallflower in front of him did not matter at all. Alex’s fragile ego fractured and emitted invisible lightnings. It was like looking forward to a sequel of a thrilling film, running to the premiere and finding out the whole cast and crew had been changed. When he had been preparing himself to handle Theo’s attentions better, he had thought there would at least be something to handle.

“Sorry, just a poor joke,” Alex mumbled and added cautiously, “Do you… uh… have any particular plans for the evening?”

“No, not really,” Theo said carelessly. What a promising and heartbreaking statement at the same time!

“Let’s go for a walk,” Alex ventured to suggest, infuriated by the nonchalant boredom on Theo’s face, “It’s too airless here.”

Theo’s eyebrows flew up, and interest shone through the apathetic mask.

“Whoa… What about your bandmates? Won’t your mother be angry about you not being home by bedtime?” he chuckled.

“I’ll just say I’ve met somebody to look after me.”

“Too much responsibility,” Theo laughed off, but Alex could see in his soft smile that the flirty implication did not go unnoticed, “I don’t know how to look after kids.”

“Hey, I was born in January, so there’s a big chance I’m actually older than you!”

“That’s right, I was born in August. But it doesn’t really make me see you as anything but an innocent pudú. For your information, they are the smallest deer in the world, rare puppy-like timid creatures. I’ve watched a documentary the other day and thought of you.”

“Look who’s talking! The Young Prince of the Forest!” Alex said in a cartoon voice, “So do you want a stroll or will your deer legs entangle?”

“How can I refuse when I’m asked so kindly?” Theo smirked without a slightest grudge. He even seemed to like taunting Alex to get out a bit of sarcasm and initiative.

The smoking and chatting crowd outside the building thinned quickly as they walked down the street and finally reached a silent block. Haze and tension in Alex’s mind, on the contrary, were growing. Where were all the promised poetic scenarios? Not a detail from them – only simultaneously repulsive and teasing silence instead. It drained Alex to suggest that, while he had been burning up this whole month, Theo’s flames had faded away completely. Now and then, however, it seemed to him that tiny, almost indistinguishable smiles of craftiness visited Theo’s lips. But those were probably just gleams from the lampposts.

“So where are we going? I was hoping for a little excursion,” Alex admitted.

“You either overestimate Manchester or don’t know what time it is,” Theo laughed, “I could show you a few nice museums and record stores but they’re probably closed now.”

“Alright. In the morning then,” Alex said with a grin, blatantly asking for a dirty joke or another date plan, but Theo let it fly past his ears.

“There’s not a lot to see here in a tourist way, honestly. Just a few beautiful buildings but probably not at night as well.”

Alex inhaled slowly and blurted out:

“You either underestimate nights or don’t know what to do with them.”

This time, Theo rewarded the cheeky imitative line with a little chuckle, but avoided a direct response.

“It’s hard to admire the architecture at night. All in all, this is hardly a city for a cultural stroll. So you might want to lower your standards.”

“Yeah, by the way… I’d like to have a snack,” Alex said, feeling a void in his stomach whining, “Or is that barely possible too?”

“No, why? Quite possible,” Theo said and waved at a shining McDonald’s logo further down the street, “Let’s drop in… if you’re not already used to pricey oysters, of course.”

“Oh shut up,” Alex chuckled, “I have a feeling you’ve tried them more often than I have. And I haven’t, frankly.”

“I have. Nothing much,” Theo shrugged, “Those things are only good for a one-time experience, and there are far more exciting foods to try, if something. It’s not even my favourite seafood.”

“And what is?”

“Tuna!” Theo crooned and, as Alex glanced at him askance, added in an even more chuffed voice, “Pun not intended, though, so don’t give me that look.”

The café was expectedly half-empty, quiet and even cozy – well, as cozy as you could expect from such a casual venue. They walked up to neighboring counters to make their orders. While Alex was silently trying to process the amount of food on Theo’s tray and somehow put it together with his lean body, Theo was not so reserved with his comments.

“Forgot your toy,” he remarked, looking at Alex’s tray and apparently hinting at the excess of sweet things.

“I buy my toys in other places,” Alex said, proudly sauntering to a table and sitting himself down.

“Oh, you should’ve told me. Some toy stores might be open. Maybe there’s a toy guitar to match your size.”

“Kindly shove a burger into your mouth already.”

“Whoa, easy with commands,” Theo laughed, “Too much vanilla milkshake on your lips to say things like that.”

“I haven’t even started it yet!”

“I mean, figuratively. Vanilla boy,” Theo titled Alex jauntily. His gaze was nothing but genial and playful, and still the name sounded slightly humiliating. To Alex, in the figurative sense, vanilla could only stand for banality and nothingness. He pouted like a whimsical child.

“What if I had taken a strawberry one, for instance?”

“No, Alex, you’re not strawberry. And not even chocolate. Vanilla with caramel sauce and some rainbow sprinkles on top. And at the bottom there’s a surprise hot brownie!”

“Amazing. Came to Manchester as a musician but turned into a milkshake halfway through the night.”

“Well, it just makes sense… _Turn_ er.”

Roars of laughter made the scarce visitors turn their heads to the noisy youngsters and raise their eyebrows. Wiping a tear from his eye and trying to breathe evenly again, Alex mumbled:

“Okay, you’ve made enough fun of me. What about you?”

“Hutchcraft.”

“Sorry, what? Is that a dish?”

“That’s my last name. Good luck thinking of a decent pun with it. Yours are all on the surface,” Theo sneered.

“I mean, what flavor would you be?”

“Well, first of all, not a milkshake,” Theo pondered, “Something hot and spicy…”

Alex could not resist and snorted.

“You’re probably chicken wings.”  

“Fuck off, baby chick,” Theo came up with another half-degrading and half-sweet nickname and switched his attention to food. Somehow, he had almost finished half of his huge meal, combining perpetual babbling and eating with graceful virtuosity. For a while, Alex engaged himself in the late supper too, and when he looked up again, Theo was dipping fries in ice cream and consuming them rapidly.

“Uh… You okay?”

“Yeah, why? Oh, you mean this… Actually, some weird combinations work the best. It’s just one of the simplest ones. No need to be narrow-minded about it. Why choose a common match when you can have it all?”

Just as Alex opened his mouth to express his doubts, Theo laughed and put a couple ice cream covered fries between his open lips. The fleeting touch scorched Alex so vividly that he did not even notice the sudden cold on his tongue. He sat like this, numbed and childishly abashed, fries sticking out of his mouth, for a few seconds and gave the adorable joker another reason to laugh his face off, but, strange enough, Theo did not, too busy waiting for a review.

“Well… You’re right, they go nice side by side,” Alex finally admitted and almost added a request to do it again but held himself back. He had no idea how to build his attack now, when the army of his thoughts was nonplussed and disorganized and the opponent did not even give a lot of chances to take a step. This trick could pass as something coquettish, but, just when Alex recollected himself and came to this conclusion, Theo ruined the opportunity completely by going back to his food with deliberate, even theatrical concentration.

After McDonald’s, they walked around a bit more in the same wobbly spirit and ended up at a small square with a fountain. A street clock showed almost 3 a.m. However, a fit of outstanding vivacity suddenly happened to Theo, unlike Alex who was already winking strenuously in order not to fall asleep. Waltzing around the square alone and singing some song Alex did not know, Theo looked like a personified scene from a film, one of those that become iconic with time but seem a bit bizarre and pointless beyond the screen. And still, Theo did not need a screen to frame and excuse him. He was the most thrilling film himself, able to hold an eye and arouse all kinds of emotions.

“Why so sleepy? Bedtime already?” Theo laughed, hopping around the motionless but charmed observer.

“In all fairness, you didn’t travel from another city and play a concert today,” Alex complained, although he had a feeling that Theo would probably still be prancing around even after a dozen concerts.

“Fine! Let’s equalize!” Theo exclaimed and jumped on the fountain, with Alex gawking from below, “Ladies and gentlemen,” Theo announced, looking at the invisible faces at the empty square, “I’m honored to present a very special show, which will take place on this beautiful cracked fountain. You name a song, and I sing it. It’s simple, like a human jukebox. Oh, I see a young man in the first row already has something to say!”

With these words, Theo squatted and stretched out an invisible microphone to his only laughing watcher.

“So what do you want to suggest, mister? I know an awful lot of songs so don’t be afraid!”

“Theo, stop, it’s ridiculous…”

“Ah, you see, beautiful people of Manchester, the boy has missed his chance,” Theo lamented and stood up, “I’ll have to go random now. Okay, here we go…”

Theo proceeded to perform ‘The Real Slim Shady’ with so many pretentious gestures that he slipped halfway through the first verse and almost fell into the fountain.

“Seriously, here’s your applause, get down,” Alex chuckled and clapped graciously, but Theo was not going to stop any time soon.

“I’m very sorry,” he said, recreating a pompous stance, “The show must go on. And while we’re at it…” Theo smirked and broke into the expected hit. Alex did not know where to hide his eyes and how to keep down the seething mixture of embarrassment and fascination. An improvised acapella concert on a fountain at night – how did it even come to this shaggy head? Did he know that, even on that pathetic stage, in those frugal clothes and with such an unsystematic repertoire, he looked more impressive and enticing than most singers Alex had ever seen?  

“Thank you, Manchester, you’ve been wonderful,” Theo bowed after the last high note, “Now I’d like to dedicate the next one to the dull guy in the front row or he’ll probably fall asleep by the end of this sentence. You’re so square…” Theo sang with a grin, striking the Elvis pose and almost falling again, and added, “Baby, I don’t care. Oh no, apparently the sleepyhead didn’t like the choice. He’s climbing the stage to kill me. Where are my bodyguards? Help!”

“I just want a duo,” Alex said, establishing himself on the narrow surface between Theo’s securing arms, and gave him a kiss. However abrupt it could seem, Theo embraced him so quickly and willingly as though it was just what he had been waiting for. For the first time this night, spent wandering across this bleak city, Alex felt safe, wrapped in Theo’s arms and almost disappearing beneath his towering figure and enormously loose jacket. The whole big show had not made him as happy as this single moment of clarity did.

“Here it is, I won,” Theo suddenly beamed with a victorious grin, “And you said I wouldn’t.”

“Won? Uh… oh my god… the fucking bet… did you really…”

“Right. All those intricate scenarios – and eventually I didn’t even have to do much. Just to add some cold and give your ego a gentle pinch.”

“Hey! It’s not just ego!” Alex protested, “I… I really like you.”

“Ha-ha, don’t believe you now,” Theo smirked, pulling him closer.

“I’ve been thinking about you every day and night since then!” Alex blurted out. The closeness of Theo’s blazing eyes and smile as though dragged the words out of his shy lips. “Can you imagine how deep and precise the hit had been to leave that arrow for a month?”

“A really talented cupid was flying over Manchester that night, I guess. Anyway, you owe me a wish now, Alex.”

“Shit. Well, spill your filth.”

“Why filth? Maybe I just wanted a funny stunt!”

“And maybe I was dropping a hint,” Alex tilted his head with an innocently plain face. Theo jumped down from the fountain, laughing, and Alex followed him with a shade of confusion in his face.

“Your ideals expired fast, didn’t they?” Theo giggled, “I thought one-night stands with ‘fans’…” Theo showed the air quotes and went on, “… didn’t interest you!”

“Still true. It’s not just a one-night stand I’m after,” Alex said earnestly. Deep inside, he was surprised at his own persistent eagerness to jump into the vortex so fast, and yet it felt right to suggest it.

“Is this what rock stars say to groupies to lure them into bed?”

Alex shrugged helplessly and looked around the empty square, as though looking for advice.

“No idea. Anyway, our tour bus and my guys are already in Sheffield, and there’s no luxurious hotel with a jacuzzi and booze everywhere so it’s not even the case.”

“What a shame. I’m out then,” Theo snorted and waved his arm jokingly.

“Well, sorry.”

“I’d invite you to stay at my place but I can’t just drag you home at 4 a.m. with no previous stories on what a dear friend you are. Like, the friendliest friend I’ve ever friended, you know. Particularly when my younger brother has a bad habit of bursting into my room in the morning with random questions and requests.”

Possible comedy scenes flowed through Alex’s mind, and he smiled faintly, although the subject of secrecy was, in fact, a sore and sensitive one. Even with the friend excuse and a lock on his room’s door, he would feel anxious bringing Theo home in front of his unaware parents. The nerves would overshadow the idyll completely.

“Actually, you haven’t even heard my wish yet, Alex,” Theo said calmingly and hugged him again, “Can you just… promise me to come here again soon? Without the band, without the equipment, without a sold-out show. Or let me come to you. We’ll go wherever you want and do whatever you want. But not as a band guy and a fan… just as two ordinary boys on a date.”

“You deserve a thousand adjectives, a lot of various ones, but ‘ordinary’ would nowise be among them.”

“You don’t even know me, how are you so sure?” Theo smirked, “I’m really just a simple Manchester guy with no particular qualities, skills and achievements. You might get bored.”

“Enraged and peeved – yeah, probably. But bored? Can’t even imagine,” Alex smiled as he stroked Theo’s cheek.

“Whoa, what a sunshiny prognosis!”

“No, I mean… I’m not really going to be… Okay, honestly, I can’t rule it out when you’re so fond of sneering at me but… With a tongue so sharp and eyes so observant, you’re allowed to, as long as you make up for it afterwards.”

“Deal!” Theo beamed, “So when shall we meet again?”

“Oh… It’s kind of hard to say right now,” Alex mumbled, staring at their feet in a guilty manner, “Everything’s spinning around… Recording, concerts, other stuff, you know… But, of course, I swear that as soon as I…”

“I’ll wait, my rising star,” Theo interrupted merrily, “We need to exchange numbers, and I’ll see you to the railway station. Do you have a mobile phone?” he asked, letting Alex go and pulling his own phone out of his jacket pocket.

“Yeah… Somewhere in my room in Sheffield.”

“Wow. Actually genius. Do you keep it on your bed stand as a piece of modern art or crack nuts with it?”

“I take it with me! Sometimes…” Alex tried to justify himself and blushed, making Theo giggle again, “I don’t even use it much so what’s the point?”

“Oh my god, this is going to be hard. I hope you at least can remember your number…”

After Theo’s phone finally got burdened with the most important tiny piece of information, they set out for the railway station. It turned out to be situated further than Theo’s lively voice seemed to imply. Although really tired by now, Alex did not whine and tried to make the best out of this extra time by Theo’s side, turning the long road into a row of inquiries about his life and interests. Every loquacious answer made Alex smile sleepily and grow even more certain that the initial instinctive affection had been right. The wish to learn Theo more and more kept him awake more than any drug would. However, at the station, when they found out that the next train to Sheffield would only depart in an hour and sat down on a bench to pass the time, Alex broke down and fell asleep on Theo’s shoulder.

A weird and disturbingly vivid dream burst into his lightweight slumber. The beginning was a picturesque pastoral: Alex and Theo were walking up a mountain, covered in grass and purple flowers, under the immense and calm sky, kissing and laughing ringingly. The fresh fragrance, the playful breeze, the saturated, almost expressionist colors – all the details were so lucid that Alex’s mind had no slightest suspicion that it was fooling itself. The only otherwordly detail was that neither Alex nor Theo had their shadows.

But the further, the eerier the dream became. Theo felt behind more and more, as though some weird magic force was holding him back. He tried to push the invisible barrier, climb over or walk around it, but nothing worked. On the contrary, Alex went on easily. As it sometimes happens in dreams, he even felt that he had the powers to help, if only he would come back and stop for a while.

“But it’s not even my fault,” Alex thought, trying to excuse his merciless movement, “And anyway, I have to climb this mountain, first of all. It can’t be this bad. He will get through without my help.”

“Alex!” Theo shouted from the huge distance, “Alex, please, come back! The peak won’t go anywhere, it’s yours already!”

Alex glanced back without even stopping and continued his relentless way. Along the road, his shadow grew on the ground. The creepy obtainment felt strangely normal, no weirder than making a friend or writing a song. The road was even more comfortable with it sliding below. However, guilt was weighing Alex down. Ashamed and full of hatred for himself, he stopped when the longed-for peak was not even in sight, turned around and froze. Theo was standing right behind him and sneering bitterly, his newly acquired shadow on the ground unnaturally black and menacing.

“Oh, I’m so glad you…” Alex started in relief but suddenly shuddered and choked as a sharp pointed blade flashed in Theo’s hand and pierced his chest. Dumbfounded by the friendly fire, Alex fell on his knees and sprawled across the colorful canvas of flowers, dyeing them with blood. Theo watched the puddle grow without a shade of regret or madness. In his eyes, there was only the heavy but rightful duty to kill a traitor, at most. Before Alex’s vision faded completely, he saw Theo leaving and going up alone easily, and Alex woke up abruptly at this point, overwhelmed by the imaginary pain.

“It’s alright, I’m watching the clock,” Theo said as he felt him wince. He had been hugging Alex softly this whole time, so gentle and innocent that even imagining him as a killer was absurd. “20 minutes left. You can sleep a bit more.”

“No, thanks, I’ve just seen such a horrible nightmare that I’ll probably not be able to fall asleep this week at all…” Alex mumbled, touching the spot that Theo’s dagger had pierced.

“Oh, what was it about?”

“Uh… Long story… Shadows and a lot of pain,” Alex summarized delicately. This dream did not seem like something to talk about casually, particularly with Theo. With no base in real life and no details that could spawn such a horror movie, it even seemed like an ill omen. But Theo asked no more and just pecked him on the cheek soothingly.

“Yeah, sounds scary. But don’t worry, I’m here to fight off all of them. If some shadow hurts my boy, it will be the last day for the whole kind. How audacious those dark spots got, I should say! Who cut their strings?”

Alex laughed and snuggled up to him.

“That’s one really graphic picture, nice job.”

“Well, then, remember that view instead of your nightmare, whatever it was,” Theo recommended lightly, “Crumple and throw it away like a piece of wastepaper. You’ve just had a hard day, that’s all. Tiredness only brings bad thoughts.”

Alex tried to agree and forget those deranged frames forever. All kinds of things can visit an unconscious mind and mean nothing, while Theo’s embrace and regular glances at the clock, accompanied by increscent sad sighs, actually meant a lot. No lonely journeys up a formidable mountain seemed possible when they sat like that until minutes before the train departure, and even then Theo followed Alex right to the platform, silent and lagging all the way. Along the road, Theo glanced at the timetable askance, as though hoping for a delay or cancellation, but the train services were untimely precise that morning.

“Do you promise that we’ll meet again?” Theo asked as they stopped at the carriage doors, “Are you sure about that number?”

“Do you think I can memorize a whole setlist of songs but not a few digits?” Alex chuckled, “Of course, I am. Call or text me tomorrow, will you? I’d say today but I’ll probably hybernate…”

“Sure. I’d better fuel up my phone with money in advance. I guess, there’s no use asking if you’ve heard of AIM or ICQ?”

“Uh… Total abracadabra to my ears.”

“Just as I thought,” Theo laughed, “Maybe e-mail at least?”

“I’m aware but… to the point that it exists… somewhere and somehow…”

“Shit! Then tell me, Alex, where do I get a telegraph to match your stage of the technological evolution?”

“No idea what you’re talking about. I’ll just send you smoke signals,” Alex promised with a snicker.

“Ha-ha, it’s so lucky my window faces east! When I look out of it, there’s a chance I’m looking in your direction, even though both of us are unaware,” Theo said dreamily, paying no attention to the rising stir near the doors. It was time for Alex to let go of Theo’s hands and board. Scarce people around were too sleepy and busy being angry at the early morning to watch two timid youngsters, and yet Alex shied away from a proper tender goodbye. He just went for a hug and whispered:

“Consider the rising sun a message from me as well, will you?”

“Sure, I will. Every day.”

Alex stepped into the carriage, a smile blooming between two rosy cheeks, but lingered in the vestibule. Many hurried goodbyes and happy reunions would take place at this platform, he thought. It was worth to stop and look around, as though sitting down before a journey. Theo did not haste to leave as well, and, just like one for the road, his wistful smile was an infusion of boldness and fervor. Alex leaned out of the open doors, cupped Theo’s face and kissed him on the lips firmly. The gap between them and the doors, ready to shut any time, made the kiss inconvenient and even dangerous, but its cinematic recklessness seemed to set the tone for the future much better.

“I might have just made my journey home very uncomfortable but at least I can leave happy now,” Alex smiled, backing away into the train, and Theo threw his fist in the air with a triumphant grin.


	3. Disparity

“You know what’s cool, Al?”

“What?”

“I can put up a dozen posters of you in my room, and it won’t be too suspicious. Like, I’m just proud of my pal and support his band wildly.”

“So I’ll be the tenth guy on your wall?” Alex laughed, lifting his head from Theo’s chest and waving at the numerous posters all around them, the intricate map of which Alex already knew by heart after all his visits, “No, thank you very much.”

Theo laughed and pulled him back into the embrace. A quiet March rain was pecking the window, and a vague cozy clatter was coming from the kitchen where Theo’s mother was cooking dinner. The wooden single bed accomodated two gracile youngsters amiably. It never felt too narrow – only tightened the hugs, and neither minded. Another weekend, another moment of fragile tranquility.

“None of them have been in my bed, though. So there’s no need to be jealous.”

“Oh, thank god,” Alex chuckled into Theo’s neck.

“Wait, one has, actually.”

“What? Who?”

“Once my Eminem poster fell on my face in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. It was really terrifying.”

“Fucking hell, T!” Alex chortled and gave him a lazy kick. That contraction amused Theo every time, reminding him both of single-letter nicknames of Bond characters and rapper pseudonyms. For the latter reason, once he asked to transform it into ‘Big T’, but Alex choked with laughter every time he tried to use that hilarious sobriquet. “For a second I thought…”

“That I’ve really dragged one of them into my tiny room?” Theo laughed, “I’m no starcatcher, Al. I’ve just got one, the sun itself, and I’m happy enough.”

“The sun’s not even the biggest star in the universe,” Alex mumbled.

“The most essential one, though.”

The stardom issue coming up in such a mellow tone, unlike occasional jocular rebukes, was a rare act of mercy. Tenderly thankful for this break, Alex gazed into the sparkly eyes, his lips slowly stretching into a smile. Their noses touched, and Theo receded, giggling.

“Ouch! Too hot!”

“Not funny. Come to me…”

“But it makes sense because Sunday is the day we meet the most. Sun-day. The brightest day of the week.”

“I’m leaving,” Alex promised as he flicked Theo on the forehead.

“Alright, it dawned on me that I should stop. I was blinded, sorry,” Theo chuckled nonetheless.

“Oh you…” Alex sighed and jumped upon the relentless joker to give his hair a wild ruffle. The abrupt attack caught Theo off guard, and he flinched back so hard that his nape hit the bedhead. As the wall caught the vibration, sunglasses slipped down from a shelf above and landed right on his face. Moaning quietly, Theo put them away on the bedstand to the accompaniment of Alex’s hysterical laughter.

“Hey, stop cackling! It wasn’t that clumsy!”

“There is nothing new under the sun,” Alex grinned with the contentment of the last laugher.

Snorting and thus as though admitting the defeat, but smiling to show that the victory was in fact someplace else, Theo pulled Alex down by his T-shirt, and the quiet cuddles resumed at a new degree, as though those few minutes had been enough to start missing each other’s lips again.

A whole winter of living between two cities was behind. For the souls so young and impetuous, it was not much of a problem. Moreover, morning and evening train journeys had something romantic about them, particularly when a goodbye kiss was still burning on Alex’s lips or when he had a tiny gift to squeeze in his pocket. Theo was the king of them. Most of the time, he made small but intricate gift boxes so that Alex would have something to occupy himself with on the train and then break into a smile when he would see a half-forgotten photo booth strip of them fooling around, a lovely necklace or just a handful of his favourite sweets. If it was Theo who had to come back to his city at the end of the day, Alex often shyly handed him little scrolls with letters or poems and asked in a whisper to read them on his way home. Theo got wildly excited every time and kissed Alex’s face all around, promising to keep them forever. And he did, both the papers themselves – in his drawers – and the lovesick metaphors – in his head and heart.

However, finding time to meet was sometimes a more substantial problem, with Theo studying and Alex fixed on music. As a rule, they managed to win a few workdays, and weekends were fully theirs – even with the little dusky bridge between Saturday and Sunday, if they were lucky enough. Finding the desired privacy was a tricky quest as both lived with their parents. Awkward touches, jumping apart at the first approaching sound, emergency stops before anything even started – that was the usual tragicomic cycle, particularly in December, when the freshness of the feeling brought along even more gaucherie and nerves.

At Christmas, when the flow of romance from the TV screen was particularly provoking, Alex plucked up his courage and put up a show of an illness bad enough not to visit relatives along with his parents but at the same time quite lightweight so they would not stay at home to watch him. The narrow edge had its effect surprisingly fast, probably because Mr. and Mrs. Turner nowise expected any secret parties and other dubious activities from their sincere and quiet boy. As they were getting dressed, Alex texted Theo, a happy tremble in his fingers so distinct that it only supported the pretended sickness. Even though after a bit of nagging on how important it was to spend Christmas with family, Theo appeared on his doorstep so quickly as though he had just invented teleportation. And then there were mulled wine flavored kisses under the mistletoe, Christmas lights flashing in the darkness of Alex’s room and illuminating random glimpses of young love, gazing at the falling snow together from beneath a warm blanket, whispering nothings sweeter than any holiday candy and, overall, the best and the most memorable Christmas Alex had ever had. Generally speaking, those happy chances were so strictly dosed that every single one felt like an unforgettable holiday.

“Maybe I’ll put on some music?” Theo asked, dragging Alex out of his sweet flashbacks. He had almost drowsed off on Theo’s chest, lullabied by the warmth of his embrace and some enticing confectionery scent.

“Nah, everything’s perfect as it is. Hm… do you have a new shampoo? Honey, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Honey for my honey,” Theo grinned, “You pay much more attention to my hair than I do so I’ve switched to sweet smells.”

“Long hair is so cool, you know. I think I’ll grow it one day,” Alex pondered aloud with dreamy eyes, “Something like John Lennon had at the dusk of The Beatles’ era…”

“Why aren’t you growing it now?”

Alex fell into deep thought and lowered his eyebrows when he failed to find a proper answer.

“Oh…  From force of habit, I guess? Parents didn’t let me grow hair or use hair products when I was a child. And I’ve kind of missed the moment I stopped being one.”

“No wonder,” Theo chuckled, “You should try growing it out at least a bit. It’ll make you look more mature in a good way.”

“More mature, you say?” Alex murmured doubtfully.

“Well… I have no idea. But I will finally have my revenge for being your toy Rapunzel all the time and never let go of your locks!”

Slight panic appeared on Theo’s face as Alex suddenly sat up on his stomach and got busy with his hair again, but this time with an expression so serious as though he was preparing him for a radical image change.

“Hey, what’re you doing there?”

“Experimenting,” Alex crooned, putting the bangs away and tucking the longer locks under Theo’s nape, “I’m just wondering what you would look like with short hair.”

“Miserable. As though I haven’t been there,” Theo grumbled but did not intervene in the gentle styling attempts.

“You’re so wrong. Why curtain such a beautiful face?” Alex whispered, bending lower, his hands on the pillow near Theo’s ears, “It’s as fair as a cloud on a wonderful summer day.”

Rosy blush overtook the exposed face features that could easily compete with all the vintage ideals and would probably even overthrow them in a few years, when the last blemishes of adolescence would dissolve. Attention and compliments softened Theo faster than fire melts wax.

“Okay, but for your eyes only,” he winked and pulled Alex down on the bed by the waist. Lying on their sides, they smiled at each other, touched their foreheads and shared a leisurely grateful kiss. Everything around was forgotten. Particularly the fact that they could not afford such an unhurried pace.

The door creaked, and both flew up like doused cats. Within those milliseconds until the unbidden guest would come in, Alex squeezed himself to the wall and tried to portray a casual position that looked more like a yoga exercise, while Theo, after his involuntary awkward spring, landed on the very edge of the bed and hit his head on the bed stand. A few books and discs toppled down along with an alarm clock. Theo’s younger brother turned out to be the reason of the stir: his curious face peeked in, and, once again, Alex remarked amazedly how similar two brothers looked. Jak was even almost as tall as Theo was, but had short hair, and the glint in his eyes was more frantic.

“Jak, how many times do I have to tell you have to knock before you come in? What the hell do you want?” Theo grumbled, rubbing his forehead.

“Sorry,” Jak sighed, staring at the crumpled bedspread and the mess on the floor with interest, “What’re you doing here?”

“Playing ‘The floor is lava’” Theo declared, “So you can’t enter if you don’t want to burn yourself.”

Jak let out a giggle; almost the one Alex knew and loved, but a bit more high-pitched.

“I just wanted to ask if I can borrow your CD player. Ple-e-e-ase.”

“Alright, it’s on the desk.”

“And some discs.”

“Okay, but don’t stain or scratch the bottom side.”

“And your new big headphones.”

“Oh my god, just take the whole room and leave already,” Theo pleaded, Alex laughing behind him. Beaming with happiness, Jak used the opportunity to its fullest and left the room with a whole armful of Theo’s stuff that he collected at the tempo of a professional thief performing a well-planned robbery. When the door closed behind him, Alex eased off and disentangled his limbs, the absolutely uncomfortable and suspicious location of which he had just noticed.

“Are you sure you’ve got enough belongings for bribes so generous?” Alex chuckled, estimating the gaps all around the room. Rubbing the bump on his forehead, Theo sighed. 

“I only rent them to earn a while of peace. Did you notice what exactly he took?”

“Uh… Besides what he mentioned? I don’t know… He took something from the bookshelves, I reckon…”

“Oh, he took my Game Boy!” Theo cried out cheerfully and turned to Alex with a riddling grin, “Do you know what that means?”

“You need a new one?” Alex murmured.

“No! That means Jak won’t bother us for an hour at least! I should’ve slipped him this toy right from the start…”

The clingy route of Theo’s hands marked clearly what he wanted to devote this hour to. Alex blushed and crawled away from the randy touches.

“Right now? What if he… uh… comes back for something?”

“He won’t,” Theo reassured, “He’s got enough things to entertain himself with.”

“Um… Theo, I’m… eh… not really… and your family is at home…” Alex kept mumbling shyly as Theo was chasing his lips all around, “It’s not… I don’t think…”

Theo cooled down obediently and cupped Alex’s face in a calm manner instead.

“Al, what really matters, is whether you want to or not.”

“Of course, I do, but… I don’t think now would be…”

“It’s been so long, and when you’re always rehearsing and recording, the next time might be twice as far!”

“But it’s not a reason to ruin everything!”

“Okay, actually, I’m the one in charge here and I can estimate the situation adequately!”

“Can you?” Alex smirked and touched Theo’s fresh bump, as though reminding of the opposite. However many times they had been close to embarrassing exposure, games with fire went on. The longer the separation had been, the more recklessly and resolutely Theo rushed into the flames. There was never anything rough or disrespectful in his fevered endeavors, although he did spare a few precious seconds every time to let out a subtle reproach on how Alex was basically the one to blame for another lengthy break. Whereas Theo was a fire jumper, Alex preferred to walk around until it would go out and make the passage safe.

This time, Theo incandesced particularly quickly. Of all the kisses and touches he tried to engulf Alex in, he accepted and returned only a few and kept glancing at the door nervously. It was getting even more awkward. Of course, Theo wanted caresses but he did not want them to resemble a cartoon where characters hand each other a bomb in panic. Theo sighed resignedly, stood up and dragged a chair to the door.

“It’s a trick I’ve heard about,” he explained, putting the backrest right between the door and the knob, “However simple, it seems to be quite reliable. Nobody will get here. At least if they don’t hit the door with a battering ram. Our home one, luckily, is currently under repair so…” Theo laughed and flopped on the bed again. Alex gave the construction an unimpressed stare.

“It doesn’t look particularly protective to me. And what would you say if somebody tries to get in? Sorry, I’m busy fucking my boyfriend behind a chair barricade, please come back later?”

“Ha-ha, no. Maybe that you’ve spilled something on yourself so you’re changing.”

“Sounds fake. You would be the one to spill!” Alex corrected, laughing.

“Spill your love all over me, fill me to the top…” Theo sang vivaciously and jumped into another amatory attack. Finally, Alex did not defend himself, tired of compelled resistance, and just let Theo into his open arms.

Laying all their hopes on the wobbly installation at the door, they took their time. The usual short-term shelters did not allow it, whether it was a bathroom at a friend’s party where the guests were too high to notice their absence, a dark alleyway or, a particularly memorable one, a desolate cemetery (Theo’s idea, of course; “La petite mort,” Alex reviewed the experience later and made him laugh for a minute). The young and undemanding hearts could put up with the brief and spontaneous pieces of luck, but, simultaneously, all the time in the world would not be enough.

Bolder in seeming solitude, Alex did not restrain his kisses anymore. He left a whole meadow of them on Theo’s neck and pulled the collar of his loose T-shirt to proceed the blooming line on the shoulder. Theo leaned forward to lay him down, holding Alex’s head carefully so that it would not graze the bedhead and land on the pillow safely. Two boys entwined together and rolled on the bed as far as the meager space allowed, kissing and panting in anticipation. Theo broke the kiss with a grin and slid down, his nose tickling Alex’s chest and stomach. The lower edge of his T-shirt was resting over Theo’s destination, so Theo bit the cloth and twitched it up. Alex rose his head slightly: Theo was grinning at him, tapping his fingers on the denim lightly and obviously enjoying the infrequent teasing part. Used to swifter actions, Alex hummed in discontentment. Theo laughed, but his touch remained intolerably frail.  

“Did you really build that fortress for this?” Alex wondered when all he got after a few minutes was his jeans slightly down and Theo nipping the upper part of his boxers but not moving them anywhere, “Or are you stuck there?”

“No, I’m building up sexual tension,” Theo explained, leaving Alex’s underwear in peace for a moment, “Trying to be slow and teasing while we’ve got a chance.”

“Have you been reading Cosmopolitan or what?” Alex sighed, “With this pace, I’ll already be in Sheffield by the time you get down to business…”  

“But Alex, I thought it would be great to, uh… diversify…”

“Let’s keep it as usual, alright?” Alex pleaded, “I loved it that way. And I don’t really feel comfortable lingering at such a risky state.”

“Fine, as you wish,” Theo agreed with a grain of soreness and jerked Alex’s pants down with a single abrupt movement, “My time lord…”

Whatever exalting titles Theo came up with, neither time nor other circumstances surrendered to Alex’s will. Both froze as Theo’s mother called from behind the wall.

“Theo, darling, can you come and help me open this jar, please?”

“Mom, why can’t Jak help? I’m a bit busy, and I have a friend over!” Theo yelled, tarrying over his glowering half-naked ‘friend’.

“Because I also need a pan from the upper shelf, and he won’t reach it. Dear, it won’t take long, don’t make me wait.”

“I’m trying not to be like ‘I told you so’”, Alex grumbled, pulling his jeans up, “But I literally told you so!”

Theo mimicked his frown, kicked the chair away and went to the kitchen, leaving Alex alone and upset by this inevitable accident. Those panicky retreats were so emotionally exhausting that the offended lust revolted, slammed the door and declared it would not come back that day even if they would suddenly be gifted an empty house all to themselves. Sighing about the lost delights, Alex nestled on the bed and looked around the room, searching for unfamiliar details. Between Alex’s visits, Theo always managed to get new albums, books and posters; sometimes Alex brought them as gifts. Either way, the small room grew more and more cluttered but at the same time cozier and homelier. There were shared memories all around, and sitting among them felt safe and warm. Even though Alex had his own soppy archive at home, he loved Theo’s room more.  

When Theo came back and returned the chair to its guarding position, he was smiling and apparently already free from annoyance. The foxiness in his face made Alex forestall the question, verbal or not.

“Nah, I don’t want to. I think we’ve got enough signs to tone it down today.”

“Signs are only an echo of your own thoughts,” Theo sighed and sat beside him, “But if you don’t want to… of course, we won’t. Sorry for that.”

“Come on, it’s not your fault,” Alex said, nuzzling into his neck, “You did what you could do.”

“I’m so sick of them sometimes,” Theo nagged with such a rough wave of his arm that Alex bounced up on his shoulder, “Of course, I love them but… I love you no less, and it’s so unfair that I see them all the time and you about twice a week… and even then, it’s usually not quite how I’d like to spend those few hours. I wish we could see each other just as much, I wish there was more freedom for us…”

Alex agreed silently and snuggled closer, unaware of the coming lightning strike.

“It would be so cool if we lived together and could do whatever we want to!” Theo dreamed aloud, and Alex felt an unpleasant whirlwind inside sweep up to his neck, “Nobody to bother us! Music all day long! We’d watch all the films in the universe!”

‘Live together’, Alex repeated in his mind, goggling into the distance. Even brought up somewhat in warm blood and in the context of a vague sentimental wail. Oh, Theo, you reckless dreamer…

The idea that had probably been aiming to exhilarate Alex only cast him down. What’s worse, he had to admit it was not even the first time he got a guilty thought that Theo’s feelings and plans were bigger than his own ones. There were lots of occasions to compare. Theo could sacrifice his classes for a brief meeting (and it was not that Theo was a simple-minded truant – quite the opposite); he could come to Sheffield in the evening just to see Alex after a concert, give him a chocolate and a kiss and then set off home because he had lectures the following day; he could spend hours trying to teach Alex how to use instant messengers so that they would have more chances to chat and then promise that, just in case, he would send paper letters, carrier pigeons and messages in the bottle as well (to a certain extent, Alex was not sure if it was a joke at all). Big romantic gestures came from Alex less often, and sometimes he felt like he was not even trying to reply to Theo’s affection properly. He could turn to the arsenal of lies, reschedules, tricky plans and even simply faster scampers to the railway station – but he rarely did. Yet it was not fondness that he lacked.

What he did possess in a quantity too small, was bravery and strength to balance his priorities amidst the growing hurricane. Clutching the happy thread and following it diligently, he worked hard – wrote new songs and rehearsed them, played shows whenever there was an opportunity and tried not to cause any problems for his colleagues. However, a boyfriend in another city had the potential to become one on so many levels, with same-sex marriage illegal, civil partnerships only starting to be discussed and mean people all around. Alex had no wish to hold a certain responsibility as some kind of minority representative in the indie world or become a scandalous pop star who is famous more for their libidinous adventures than professional achievements. He had no wish to harm the band’s reputation by giving the press such a treat to fumble with. He had no wish to mix work and personal life at all, but, in this day and age, if their rise would keep going the way it did and if he would not keep his relationship with Theo in the dark, it would be impossible.

This is why Alex reluctantly maintained such a restrained policy. It was particularly hard, when he was genuinely in love with Theo and did not want to hurt him. Even though both were not out yet, except for to a few close friends, it was a different attitude. Theo neither wanted exposure nor flamed about secrecy much. In front of his pals, he could allow himself to cling to Alex for a whole minute; in front of his family – well, usually it went more or less like mentioned earlier. On the contrary, Alex burst into paranoia both at home and with his bandmates who were aware of everything, but Alex behaved as though nobody was and, in general, tried to minimize the encounters between Theo and his friends. An understanding and patient fellow he was, Theo never mentioned it, and only a reticent fall of his smile told Alex that it was hardly a joyous experience for him.

“…and just sleeping in one bed every night – how simple but great that is!” Theo kept flowing with enthusiasm when Alex came back to reality from the dark void of doubts and shame, “A whole little world of ours where all dreams come true. Even a small studio flat would be nice. I’d work on my cooking for that and bake you sweet things. With time, we’d get a projector, a star ceiling and a karaoke machine… Hey, are you listening? Any additions to the list?”

“Uh… we’ll see later,” Alex mumbled cagily not to upset him. Unsatisfied with the answer, Theo shook him up slightly.

“Why later? Dream with me, it’s fun!”

“Not now. I… I have a headache,” Alex lied and buried his face in his knees so that Theo would not notice the guilty blush.

“Oh, I’m sorry… how heavy is it?” Theo asked worriedly and, not waiting for the answer, sprinted to the kitchen, “Mom, do we have any painkillers? Al’s feeling sick, can he stay the night if it doesn’t go away?”

The sudden weight of conflicting feelings had crushed Alex so bad that he declined the following invitation politely and pretended to liven up after a pill. Of course, it was not the first time he played this repenting monologue in his head, but it was a whisper most of the time, and now, when Theo himself reminded accidentally how incompatible their aspirations were, a whole gloomy choir broke out. It would have been easier if Alex could neglect it, focus on music and just fool around in his spare time with no particular plans and obligations. But he could not. Torn by love and ambitions, he actually wanted to find a maximally harmless golden mean, tilting to one side most of the time so far. That was the problem.

In the evening, puddles splashed under their shoes as they went for a habitual run to the railway station, their hands clamped together. Those journeys were so similar as if it was a certain goodbye ritual. They all started with both getting amorously carried away and forgetting the right time to set off. Then, panting and stumbling, they ran down the murky streets at full blast and made a horizonless decision to be quicker next time. Along the road, it usually dawned on Alex that he had forgotten something at Theo’s place again, and he started grumbling jokingly about how distracting Theo’s smile was. At the platform, they exchanged little gifts and kisses, and Alex wanted to prolong that moment forever – preferably in black and white and on the sentimental grain of old film – but then came the scariest part…  

“When shall we meet again?” Theo asked, holding Alex’s hands and swinging them slightly.

“I don’t know for sure,” – the most frequent answer followed from the dispirited singer.

Theo nodded and tried to put on an understanding face, but Alex could see clearly that it was more of an anguished grimace. Obscurity grieved Theo every time, and he had more and more trouble hiding it.

“Yeah, alright,” Theo squeezed out a smile of a beaten clown, “I see… Yeah, it’s totally fine. Well, let me know if something clears up. I’m not really busy these days. I can skip a class or two if there’s a need… or something…”

The misery in his eyes was so evident that Alex could not make himself look at it and turned away, sniffing the chilly air. ‘I don’t know for sure’… He did, in fact. He could ask his bandmates to reschedule a rehearsal – they knew the reason well and would not refuse – and go to Manchester for a few hours. He could borrow his parents’ car and set off there right after a concert, and then he and Theo could drive around all night long. He could be bolder and take Theo to a party with his friends in Sheffield. Theo was capable of all those things and even more, but Alex was chained by his flimsy reasons and doubts. Deep inside, even Alex himself understood that something was going wrong and that somebody else would probably deal with this problem much better.

“I’ll try to think of something,” Alex murmured, looking up into the almost teary eyes but not managing to bear the sorrowful gaze, “Fuck, Theo, when you look at me like that, I want this damn train to leave without me or run me over…”

“Let’s go back and spend the night, maybe?” Theo repeated the invitation, “We’ll just say your headache struck again… and even without it, everything’s fine, no one will mind…”

“Babe, sorry but I can’t… I have a rehearsal, and you know how bad I am in the mornings to get into a long commute. I might just mix up trains and go to Glasgow or something.”

“What if I carry you to the station in my arms and promise to put you into the right one?” Theo smiled wistfully.

“Maybe next time when I ask Matt to accept the shipment in advance,” Alex chuckled.

“Deal. A sleepy rock star, packed and bowed. I’d rather receive than send one, though.”

“You will soon. And until then, here’s a bit of practice…” Alex said and jumped into Theo’s arms right in the middle of scurrying dark silhouettes on the platform. It was a goodbye, pretending to be a cloudless greeting; just a foolish trick to subdue the sorrow. And Theo’s tender, almost noiseless laughter was the needed spell to lull it for a while.


	4. Never Meet Your Heroes

“T, are you free on the 13th of August?”

“I guess so! Wait, I thought you were busy that weekend?”

“I am… but I think I’ve found a nice way for us to be busy together,” Alex riddled contently.

“Oh, great! What is it?”

“Well, there’s going to be a music festival, and… I’d appreciate your support so much…”

“I’ll be in the front row with a poster saying ‘I Bet You Look Good on the D’,” Theo giggled, “Or, like, ‘Alex, I want your children’. I can even get a few bras and bombard you with them. Whatever contributes to the atmosphere.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Alex laughed, covering his face in embarrassment, “Don’t you dare! It’s our first big festival, and I’m already nervous enough. I just… wanted to ask you to come with me… It would mean the world to have you by my side at such a crucial moment.”

“Of course, I will come! I can’t miss it!” Theo reassured, “No dumb signs from me. I’ll be a very decent and enthusiastic fan, I swear.”

“No, I mean… not on that side of the fence… I thought, if you know that sound stuff anyway, can you go as an equipment guy? It’s just a bit of hauling boxes and untangling wires, nothing difficult. But this way we’ll spend the whole day together, like a little trip. And there will be other bigger bands so you’ll have an opportunity to meet them and just explore the festival insides. What do you say?”

The question was unnecessary: Alex could already hear the answer in Theo’s trembling breath.

“Wow… This is amazing, I’m in!” Theo exclaimed, “Does your band mind?”

“Oh, not at all. They said they would be pleased to get to know my Manchester boyfriend,” Alex smirked. Throughout all these months, the encounters between his friends and Theo had been meager: just a few brief ones when Theo had come to meet Alex from the studio or from a concert venue. There was absolutely no hostility or misunderstandings between them. They could even become good friends, if not for the wavering connector.

Minor quarrels between racing feelings and ambitions were growing into wars. Exhausting firefights broke out inside Alex’s mind now and then, and Theo, brave and loyal enough to stay close, suffered from the invisible bullets as well. They did not bring this topic up, but Alex could see the damage clearly. Theo was a fiery soul, prone to risk, verve and passion, and when these flames did not find their way out, they burned him inside until his eyes had the color and lifelessness of a scorched forest. With every Alex’s evasive answer or polite retreat, there were less and less unimpaired spots left.

Aware of the ash dust on his hands, Alex negotiated with the gloom every time it infused his mind like a deadly chemical attack. He tried to convince it that everything was not that bad at all, that Theo understood and forgave his moderation and that, above all, Alex would certainly make some amends as soon as possible and they would be fine. In the end, however, the summer had even more loveless days than the previous months. Recording the debut album took much more time and efforts than the band had estimated in the beginning. The concentration of their leader sometimes bordered on obsession and made him a single-frequency radio, rattling about the same set of issues with its tired chips. There were days when he and Theo did not even exchange brief messages. Theo’s reaction was always understanding and supportive, as for words, but with each new day of separation he could find less and less camouflage enthusiasm in his heart. One day, Alex thought, even Theo’s never-ending niceness and patience would run out, and the struggle would end in the least desirable way.

Inviting Theo to the festival was essentially an attempt to brighten their dimming horizon. Not only would it be a long-awaited day together and a fun experience, but also something of a symbolic step. A step to being more confident and outspoken, a step to togetherness regardless of place and time, maybe even a step ahead for their relationship overall. Alex could not just leave his shell in a single leap. Even shifts so small were better than his usual sluggishness and hesitation, and nothing inspired him to move forward more than Theo’s open arms at the finish line.

They spent the night before the festival in Alex’s house. In the role of ‘a friend from Manchester’, Theo was always welcome, as long as nobody knew how he jumped from the couch to Alex’s bed the moment everything in the house became safely dark and silent. Panicked hissing and pleading reminders to be quiet did not bother Theo much when he could see Alex lift the blanket up and hear his breath break into a noisy race. That night, Alex particularly needed Theo by his side and omitted the demurs. He just watched Theo sneak to him in the darkness, trying not to stumble or graze anything, and waited for him to nestle down on the very edge of the almost child-sized bed. Following the most convenient and adored way to solve the meager space problem, Alex lay on his side, and Theo spooned him from behind. Alex felt a lulling kiss on his shoulder, and the uncomfortable motion in his mind slowed down. Yet he admitted in a low voice:

“I’m so nervous, T.”

“It’s normal. You know, even after decades of splendid shows, some people say they’re still nervous,” Theo whispered, snuggling closer, “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“Those dreams keep haunting me,” Alex complained, “Like, either all those people leave in the middle of the first song… or suddenly I have a mop instead of my guitar and can’t play… all kinds of those nightmares…”

“They don’t mean shit. Just your anxiety messing around.”

“But various failures might happen, right?”

“Have you ever mistaken a mop for a guitar? If so, how did they even book you?” Theo wondered. His joke finally made the flurried musician chuckle.

“Not yet. I believe some dreams come true, though.”

“Some do, yeah. I prefer to believe only in the good ones. By the way, I’ve watched a TV program about dreams this week. They spoke a lot about visions of the future. Interpreting them is doubtlessly a mysterious art. Of course, we never know for sure, and there’s also the fact we remember, like, two or three of ten dreams we actually see every night. But there was an interesting thought that prophetic dreams tend to be dramaturgically complete and consistent. As a rule, they’re also exceptionally sharp and clear in colors, sounds and smells, not like most dreams you see. Those random scary bits rarely foreshadow something. And it’s… Wait, Al, are you asleep?”

“Listening,” Alex yawned widely and got a slight punch under the blanket.

“Hey, it’s not just a random lecture! I’m trying to cheer you up!”

“And you do… I love you, Theo,” Alex whispered, turning around to stare into Theo’s eyes, “What would I do without your speeches? You can just talk about anything, and this is already like soothing harp sounds to my ears…”

Theo relented and gave him a snickering soft kiss.

“I love you too, Al. But you’re missing the point and describing me like some elevator music.”

“I’ve grasped everything. A complete plot, sharp colors, smells, sounds… Actually, I don’t see a lot of those. Psychedelic snippets, mostly.”

“Yeah, me too. And it means you should forget about your nightmares and drop off, because you need a good night’s sleep today.”

It was a bit surprising that Theo did not even try to ensnarl them into another risky and awkward romp as he usually did. In all likelihood, he just did not want to perturb Alex even more but, on the background of Alex’s guilty thoughts and fears, lack of actions was just as unsettling. For him, every single trifle sounded like a bad sign. Instantly entwined by frightening assumptions, Alex came at Theo with a kiss so vehement and clingy that no ambiguity about his feelings and intentions could seem possible whatsoever. Theo greeted the ardent forewords with open arms but he did not reply with a rhyme. It was just a calm, conclusive hug to sleep in.

“Bedtime, baby,” Theo whispered, confirming the guess.

“Early today,” Alex sighed, “What misbehavior am I punished for?”

“Oh my god, Al, I just don’t want extra worries for you today,” Theo said in astonishment, “Because I can see you’ve got enough already without panicking about your parents overhearing us and all that shit… And what dramas did you already manage to visualize?”

“None,” Alex lied hastily, “Sorry, right you are. I’m kind of… chaotic today…”

“It’s alright. You’ll get the treat tomorrow if you’re a good boy.”

“Now, that’s a thought to fall asleep with…”

Giggling noiselessly and bumping noses like two idle cats, they hugged each other tighter and settled down to sleep through the remaining hours until the exciting journey. With Theo guarding Alex’s peace, he knew that no horrifying visions would dare disturb him this time.

In the morning, they had breakfast and set off for the tour bus. It was nothing huge and luxurious: just a common excursion bus with instruments piled up on the rear seats. Nevertheless, even a view so humble excited Theo outright. Unlike the musicians, slightly perturbed before the upcoming show, the first of its kind, Theo considered this a beginning of a cloudless adventure. His contagious exhilaration and lightness spread around the vehicle fast and echoed on every face with a smile. Even before Alex managed to get to his own bandmates and say hello, Theo stepped forward and started shaking hands with everybody, expressing his enthusiasm and asking more questions than an average interviewer would.

“Wow! This is my first time in an actual tour bus with an actual band!” Theo exclaimed, gazing all around with eyes so sparkling as though he was in a castle or a museum, while all he could see, in fact, was a bunch of nervous youngsters, shabby guitar cases and wrapped sandwiches, “Can’t imagine how exciting it must be for you! It’s quite a big festival, isn’t it?”

“It is. Anything’s big for us, though,” Jamie said, and everyone nodded as though guiltily.

“Amazing how those chances fall from heaven when you don’t even expect them. Makes you hope for more even when things turn grey,” Theo went on, “I bet you’ll be drowned in offers soon!”

And then he proceeded to describe why exactly those offers had to come, with Alex standing behind his back and coughing awkwardly. Suddenly he faced the fact that sharing Theo’s attention was unpleasant, and it was a very wrong grudge not only overall, but particularly because Alex himself was somewhat restrained in giving his own regard. Generally speaking, even the emergence of jealousy so unjustified and indiscriminate is a stressful alert.

“Theo…” Alex mumbled from behind his shoulder, trying to push Theo forward into the bus and thus temporarily deactivate his extraversion, “Let’s go sit there, maybe?”

“But I’m talking!”

“You’re probably boring them…”

“Not at all,” Matt said, inviting Theo to sit near him, “Come on, Al, don’t nag.”

Theo obeyed willingly and left Alex standing alone with a childish pout. In his expectations, the bus scene went in a different way. Nestling together somewhere in the rear rows, kissing behind the endless backrests and, however much Alex loved his bandmates, not sparing precious time for pointless group conversations.

“He’s just jealous,” Jamie noticed, to everybody’s but Alex’s laughter, and Andy joined the jocular besiegement:

“Yeah, is it why you didn’t let us speak properly for so long?”

“Fuck off,” Alex blurted in warm blood and went to the back of the bus to shelter himself. He flopped down and stared at the gaudy fabric of the seat in front of him. Chuckles and talking, muffled by the driving noise, went on. A trifle had unsettled Alex excessively, and the more Alex thought into it, the less comfortable he felt. Had a few suave words really vexed him that much – or was it something behind them? When even a harmless conversation with his own friends whom he trusted completely had troubled him so much, how did Theo tolerate Alex being away most of the time, meeting new people and having whole crowds admiring him? And how distressed could Theo actually feel about it even though he did not say a word?

Alex had been poisoning himself and watching the road absentmindedly for a few minutes when he heard somebody take place next to him. He turned his head to see Theo’s curved eyebrows and parted lips.

“I was just being polite,” he said, touching Alex’s hand cautiously, “What’s wrong with that? Am I not allowed to talk to your friends?”

“I’m a fucking mess, sorry,” Alex mumbled and turned away to the window again, “It’s just… unhealthy motives of an insecure mind. Never mind, I’ll shut them down.”

An expected continuation of the dialogue would be Theo’s words of comfort and reassurance, and then the awkward scene would probably end in each other’s arms, but Theo said nothing. Only the sounds of engine roaring and Alex’s bandmates discussing something filled the silence. It was scarily rare to witness Theo lost for words. All unspoken faults came together and lashed out at Alex, and he started mumbling scattered apologies:

“Theo, uh… I’m very sorry I bring so much suspense and unrest even though I want nothing but the best for you… I wish I weren’t such a trouble to love… And I hope…”

“Leave it,” Theo said abruptly, and Alex stared at him in fear, unable to utter another word, “I don’t want to talk about it. Everything’s fine.”

This tone was probably the iciest and the sharpest Alex had ever heard from Theo, and it clearly indicated that everything was not fine at all. But why did he cut Alex off like this? Did Theo hope that everything would just resolve on its own and try not to get into unnecessary bickers? Or did he know it would not and just want to enjoy the last peaceful moments?

However, the next second Theo was already smiling faintly at Alex’s startled face.

“Come on, today is about good music and fun. Don’t set up a tragedy. Let’s play a game instead.”

“A game?..”

“Yeah. I suggest we think of actions for every car color we see. Like, when we see a green car, one impersonates a character and another one has to guess. When we see a red one, we kiss. And the first one to see a blue one can flick the other one on the forehead…”

Alex shook his head, chuckling more and more loudly.

“Are you ever ser– ”

Theo shushed him with a kiss so lighthearted as though the little quarrel had not happened at all.

“I’ve just seen a red car,” he explained, and the rest of the trip was devoted to thinking of new game combinations that grew to include not only colors but objects, sounds and occurrences as well. Drowned in kisses and ridiculous tasks, such as doing push-ups in the middle of the bus or shouting “Where is my unicorn?” out of the window, Alex almost forgot what he had wanted to talk about. The world beyond their cozy and remote row of seats barely existed. It was impossible to think for a second that somewhere there was a big and scary festival, that there were Sheffield, Manchester and the well-trodden hour between them, that there was anything to worry about at all…

The festival site energized Theo even more. He broke into a spree of running around, saying hello to everyone and admiring every tent and box. Alex could not fully appreciate the upbeat atmosphere when there was still a set to play, but Theo’s agility was strangely calming to watch.

“Glad to see you so happy but maybe you’ll drag at least one box for the sake of playing along to the story I had invented to bring you here?” Alex chuckled, when Theo flew back to him once again on the wings of his elation, apparently with another exciting discovery. 

“Already done! I was motivated to do it fast and switch to more interesting things,” Theo smiled, “How do you feel?”

“Boiling,” Alex whined, “I’m about to evaporate.”

“Being a cloud has its advantages. You can fly around and rain upon people you don’t like. I’m a bit concerned about trying to hug or kiss vapor, though. Not to mention you won’t be able to hold a guitar.”

“Right. Got to find a fridge and sit there before everything starts.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll rock them. Remember that evening in your room, a couple of weeks ago? We sat on the floor and drank wine, you played guitar, and we sang so many songs together… Just stick to this image in your mind, and you’ll worry less. I’ll hang around near the stage if I have a chance.”

“I hope so,” Alex nodded. His face, however, remained tense and grumpy. Theo took his hands and kissed each one.

“This is for luck. You can’t miss a note now.”

“And what if I forget the words?” Alex smiled slyly and got an encouraging peck on the lips as well.

“No, you won’t.”

“You wondrous mouth,” Alex laughed, receding to the tent where his bandmates were, “Alright, see you later. I have to get ready for the show…”

“Okay, I’ll just run around,” Theo reported excitedly and made off to chase more impressions.

In spite of all the worries, the show was a triumph. There were a lot of people who came particularly to see the rising young band, and it was an uplifting start for conquering the skeptics. Another inspiriting point was that Theo was sitting on an equipment box backstage and giving Alex tiny but vital signs of support whenever he glanced aside stealthily. Smiles, gestures and mutely mouthed words that only Alex could hear in his mind – it meant no less than all the cheers and applause from the crowd. Finally, the brightness of the moment took down the wall of fright and nervousness and shone all around.

By the end of the show, the only reason Alex wanted to run away from the stage was not that he was frightened like a child but that he just needed to pull Theo close and let him know how much those trifles actually meant. After he said his thanks and goodbyes to the audience, he dashed to hug Theo, inflamed and panting, but Theo dodged with a barely hidden cunning snicker.

“Al, there’s an emergency,” he reported in a whisper and broke into a run, Alex following him in bewilderment and barely managing to shuffle his legs in time to catch up.

“Theo, what emergency… where did it…”

“The emergency is that I’ve made some inquiries and figured we’ve got the empty bus for about 15 minutes,” Theo explained on the run.

“But I didn’t even warn…”

“There was some other band backstage, and they wanted to talk to all of you really badly. I’ve even thrown them some more questions, ha-ha… It’ll make the necessary delay, I guess. And yeah, sorry for stealing you like this. Couldn’t wait anymore. I was so close to doing it in the middle of a song when I watched you grab that microphone stand…”

“But…” Alex just exhaled, wondering how Theo managed to utter sentences this long while running this fast.

“Besides your grudges, sociability can bring you good things, like the bus keys, for example,” Theo laughed and patted his pocket.

“Wow… Your mouth really does wonders.”

“You know better,” Theo agreed with feigned modesty. They were already at the desolate parking space. Slippery dirt on the ground, hands trembling of anticipation and fumbling the key, empty bags and cases getting in the way of the tumbling kissers – every delay felt felonious and enkindled the touches even more.

The last minutes of fortunate seclusion seemed particularly quiet and tender, compared to the thunderous festival hustle outside. Theo was half-lying on the narrow seats, his head against the window, and Alex arching over him with Theo’s hands on his waist insuring him against a fall. The space was confined and the stance uncomfortable, but it mattered less and less with every gingerly kiss. Leastwise, they were together, and everything fell into place from this fact alone.

“I almost feel like I belong here too,” Theo whispered dreamily, and Alex lifted his head.

“What do you mean? Of course, you do… There’s nobody else I’d like to share this day with.”

“No, I mean… As if I’m in a band… As if I’ve just done a show too. It might sound silly but…”

“Why? You would’ve done a marvelous one!” Alex reassured, his thumb tracing Theo’s face features gently.

“I just have a very strange feeling about this. It’s a whole new world for me but it seems so familiar and natural. I’d even say ‘like home’ but it doesn’t really make sense because a pop star has no home. Only a thousand shelters around the world. Which is, in a sense, even better.”

“That’s… uh… deep,” Alex murmured. If he would analyze this brief confession, he would probably come to a disturbing conclusion. But he did not want to take this bumpy direction at the moment. There were better ways to spend the remaining few minutes alone, and he reached for Theo’s lips again, but he receded sadly.

“Al, I probably have to leave and take care of the equipment.”

“Shit. Maybe they’ll find somebody else to carry those boxes?” Alex reckoned, standing up reluctantly, but Theo shook his head.

“It’s irresponsible. And you don’t want your friends to catch us here like this, right?”

“Oh fuck… Indeed. They’d sneer for a month.”

Luckily, the packing part did not take long and went without uncomfortable questions. In a few minutes, the tour bus set off for Sheffield, and the cuddly couple was reunited in the back of the bus. Alex was watching the rolling scenery in the window and trying to process everything that had happened today. A day so eventful felt almost surreal.

“This is all so hard to embrace,” Alex disclosed in such an otherworldly voice as though he was not aware he was saying it aloud, “I mean… just a while ago, I didn’t even dream… and now… I never thought I was capable of something so big… Even after today I wonder how…”

“You don’t know it but you’re almighty. Mighty Al,” Theo chuckled and kissed him on the cheek.

“I’m so grateful you’ve been with me today. Can’t even express how essential it was.”

“Always a pleasure,” Theo said with a jocular little bow, almost hitting his head on the backrest ahead, “It was a great day, thanks for inviting me. More impressions than this month altogether! And I can’t stop thinking how some people have it not as a one-time excursion but as their everyday life. New places, new people, music all around… I guess, if my life was like this, relationships wouldn’t be a top priority too.”

The veil of snugness above them jerked up at once, and Alex felt cold and defenseless. He gave Theo a pained glance. What did he even imply with this sentence? Some kind of bitter mockery? Hinting at the hurtful disposition of Alex’s priorities? Asking covertly whether career was the only problem or there was something else making Alex look aside all the time? Judging by Theo’s hasty eye movements, he realized that he had just said too much and was looking for a way out.

“Uh… yeah, festivals are amazing,” Theo rewound the monologue, apparently failing or just not wanting to provide an explanation. Therefore, his theory kept hanging in the air. “It’s true what they say about meeting your idols, though. I spoke to the singer of the band I used to listen to a few years ago, and he turned out to be such an ass that I’ll probably never listen to them again. Absolutely not the person I thought he was. I shouldn’t have met him at all.”

Alex did not react, looking back on the day when they had met and wondering if his voice still came up in Theo’s earphones now and then after everything they had gone through. At this point, it probably did. But would it still be there in a few months when things would inevitably get more intense, particularly when Theo was blurting out things like this?

“Frankly, it’s unnecessary in any case,” Theo went on, “It’s virtually impossible to express how much these people mean to you. Any words would sound rather insufficient and clichéd or weird and obsessive. So what’s the point? Anyway, you stay just one of a hundred.”

Hurt and ashamed, Alex lowered his eyes. The reproach between the lines was just too obvious, even though Theo probably did not mean to let it out like this and just babbled about current events without thinking of a bigger picture. Alex had been thinking about it enough to grasp the anguished undertone and burst into panic deep inside. If Theo, with his angelic patience, was already beating around this issue one way or another, it was high time for a change. His refusal to discuss it and seeming contentment with everything just a couple of hours ago did not sound particularly convincing. Most probably, it was just another attempt to keep Alex from additional worries before an important event. And if so, it was some kind of self-sacrifice, heartbreaking in its possible dim outcome.

“Alex, are you alright?” Theo asked in a concerned voice. He seemed to have been talking this whole time and now hopelessly waiting for a reaction.

“Yeah… Dozed off,” Alex mumbled, “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“That I’ve just seen a tree with a crown shaped like a yawning human head, and it was as though a bird flew right into its mouth! And you’ve missed it,” Theo reported sadly, and Alex cheered up a bit. At least Theo still changed topics just as lightly.

“Oh fuck, such a shame… How could I?”

The dull blue sky, the monotonous noise and Theo’s soft embrace were a subtle lullaby, and the tired singer tried with might and main not to close his eyes. Before they would get back, he had to say or do something that would rescue Theo from the thoughts that he did not matter enough. Otherwise, this fine day would stay darkened forever. It had to be something of a milestone, a big gesture that would show that Alex wanted them to stay together for a long time and grow by each other’s side.

“You know, I was thinking…” Alex said, even though the idea had just come to his head, “Your birthday’s coming, and… how about we go on a trip together? We could, like… rent a cottage in the countryside for a few days… listen to old vinyl records and drink wine… and in the evenings, make a fire and tell each other scary stories…”

“Marvelous!” Theo exclaimed with a smile so wide that it barely fit on his face, “This is the best idea!”

“Yeah, I can’t wait for it too,” Alex exhaled in relief, “Just the two of us, somewhere in the rural tranquility of France…”

“And I was thinking of Germany for some reason.”

“Okay, let it be Germany. It’s your birthday, after all.”

“France is fine too! Honestly, any country is alright with me, company matters much more.”

“I’m sure you’ve got some dreamlike destinations in your mind. Let it be one of them,” Alex persisted. Theo thought for a while.

“Uh… Let’s go to Iceland, maybe? I’ve been dreaming about it for a while now indeed. Such a magical country, judging by the pictures.”

“Deal,” Alex nodded, “I’ll probably need to buy a shitton of warm clothes, though…”

“Pft, and you dare call yourself Arctic,” Theo laughed brightly and ruffled Alex’s hair.

“It’s going to be baptism by ice, I guess. And then we’ll see whether I deserve this name.”

“I’d rather get in the mood not for freezing but for melting the whole island down with our fervor…”

“That’s so cheesy. I’ll sign up as a heater, though.”

As both laughed, snuggled closer and closed their eyes peacefully, guilt loosened its teeth on Alex’s neck. The first vacation together, a few days all alone away from their fears, inconveniences, responsibilities and civilization overall, a certain step to living together one day… It was a hope to curb their wandering relationship and send it in the right direction. Dozing on Theo’s shoulder for the rest of the trip, Alex thought about the upcoming adventure as a magic spell, capable of curing every single scratch at once. There were still issues to overcome and aspects to balance, but it was all ahead, behind the sparkling veil of undisturbed love and peace, and it was so easy to believe that the intangible curtain itself had healing effects.


	5. Timing

Iceland was a blessing indeed. Those few days they spent in a tiny red-roofed cottage had the ardor of a fresh affair but, at the same time, the comfort of a mature relationship between two people who knew each other’s light and dark sides and appreciated both equally. The first shared trip is something of a test, and there was no doubt that they passed it brilliantly. Not a single bicker happened to smear the grade. Alex breathed easily and considered the long-running problem settled, as their stability and perspectives seemed to be soothingly clear.

However, the bitter irony was that soon after the trip, their relationship became almost as desolate as Iceland landscapes and got covered in icy crust. Caught in another coil of success, Alex slipped up and let his mind wander off again. Contacts were rare as never before, and most of them were just online chats and phone calls. The same old hurt, particularly hitting right after the seeming reconciliation, cannot leave even the most forgiving man irresponsive. Although Theo kept silent on this matter and his calmly mournful face was not even in Alex’s sight most of the time to hint at it, Alex felt something was going wrong again and damned himself for it.

One day, Theo said that he would not sacrifice a party with his friends to come to Sheffield for a few hours – not in such a rough wording, of course, but the fact alone almost gave Alex a fit. The point was that Theo always did with no doubts and questions. He always sacrificed any event if Alex was free and wanted to see him, even more important and unique ones than just a common party, which happened in dozens. Besides, there were no more cute gifts, far-reaching plans and cheerful suggestions, and even Theo’s endless smiles were running out. All those trifles stuck together and formed a horrifying crag that hid the sun and came upon Alex with all of its weight.

By November, the situation was catastrophic to the point where Alex was not even sure they were together at all. Their rare meetings reminded a formality or a habit that had been pleasant once but eventually lost its point and was just dying hard. Watching it fade was intolerable. On the verge of complete darkness, Alex fully realized how lost he would be once the night would fall, and not a single tune would lead him out. Doing something crucial once again – but something more radical than their August trip and with more prudent aftercare – seemed to be the only way to save everything. Gritting his teeth, Alex came to the following conclusion: the next reasonable step, which would also solve some of their problems, was moving in together.

Of course, only God knew whether Theo would accept this suggestion at such a miserable point, and Alex himself was scared and not even sure that they were ready for this, particularly in the middle of growing apart. Even if the plan would succeed, there would still be a lot of troubles to deal with, like actually finding a place and explaining certain things to his parents or at least providing a decent cover-up. However, the more Alex thought about it, the more appealing the idea seemed. After lengthy calculations, Alex decided that it would be best to rent a small cozy flat in Manchester, so that it would be more comfortable for Theo to get to his university. As for Alex, his location did not matter much when they were touring and he could easily come to Sheffield for rehearsals and recording sessions. Just like Theo had said once, they would get a karaoke machine, a projector and all kinds of ridiculous couple things, there would be music and film posters on the walls… they would exchange clothes and maybe even get a pet… Actual couple responsibilities and chores did not captivate Alex that much – he just reckoned they would cope somehow. He was all about the syrupy dreams that made him more determined about the big decision.

At the end of November, Alex was ready to gift the ripened idea. He had even set his eyes on some nice flats in case Theo would agree. Trying to be vague not to spoil the surprise, Alex clarified in advance whether Theo was busy on a Friday night. Maybe they would roam around Manchester just like they had about a year before, and all the lovely memories of the past would be a good way to start a perfect future. Late in the evening, Alex was standing near the block of flats where Theo lived, and a white rose was trembling in his hands at every puff of the chilly wind. The dark grid of windows towering over him looked bleak and unfriendly. The hopeful light in Theo’s window invigorated Alex, and he took out his phone.

“Hey, Theo, how are you?”

“Hi, Al, I’m fine,” Theo said hesitantly, expectedly a bit surprised by the call, since lately they were not so common, “And you?”

“Actually… waiting for you outside.”

Theo faltered again.

“Oh… Okay, I’ll come down in a couple of minutes,” he finally uttered with much less delight than Alex was waiting for.

The beginning of the night was already going not quite smoothly, yet Alex tried to keep his spirit up. There could be various reasons why Theo’s voice did not sound particularly excited, from a domestic brawl to a distressing film. It did not mean a thing. In a while, Theo came out with a usual smile, and his swift kiss reinforced Alex’s determination.

“Whoa, is that for me?” he asked, looking at the rose, and Alex nodded bashfully, “Thanks! Do you mind if I…” Theo started and, not waiting for the answer, snapped the stem off and put the bud into the pocket upon his heart. The composition of a white flower over blue leather looked bizarre yet fascinating and very much like Theo. Nobody else could pull off such combinations that gracefully.

“Oh, Theo…” Alex shook his head with a smile, looking at the stem on the ground, “Why are you always breaking something? This is a great jacket, though, and the flower goes with it surprisingly well.”

“Yeah. Sometimes you have to destroy in order to create.”

“Let’s have a nice little stroll, shall we?”

“Uh… in fact, I already have plans for tonight,” Theo winced, “I’ve decided to go to a nightclub with my friends. You should’ve told me you would come. But you can join us, of course!”

“This is… uh… well, you know how I am with those clubs,” Alex tried to talk Theo out of it softly, but Theo just shrugged and grinned.

“We met in one, if you can remember, so there is some tolerance, I guess.”

“Technically, it happened in the street.”

“Depends on what you call ‘meeting’.”

“We started talking only after we had left it. And the venue was actually far behind so it wasn’t even outside the nightclub. This is what counts, I guess?”

“As you say,” Theo said peacefully, “So are you coming?”

“Okay,” Alex sighed. Tolerating Theo’s noisy friends and struggling for a while of attention made a nasty scenario, and a tumultuous nightclub was a bad place for talks that mature and intimate. But the situation made him compromise and take what he could. Maybe, leastwise, they would sneak off together in a while, like they had done a few times before.

At first, Alex thought he would speak out before they would get burdened with unnecessary company. The streets were noisy, crowded and full of usual Friday jollity. Theo was babbling about everything: his studies and side jobs, a concert that he had attended, a funny story that had happened to Jak at school… there was not a slit to break in and change the topic. Little by little, Alex was losing his nerve. Just a few months ago, he would have easily piped up or found a way to lead the talk to the necessary destination. And now even simple conversations came stiffly, like somebody was shaking out the last drops of whiskey into an empty glass.

It got even worse when they reached to the club and met Theo’s friends. Alex felt no more important than any of them as he followed Theo around the room gloomily. Karma surely kicked Alex well. The master plan was falling to pieces, and Alex had neither chances nor guts to act on it. It was quite clear that Theo was enjoying himself without him – or at least trying to, as his occasional wistful glances at Alex could imply. They were prompt and guilty, as though Theo repressed them as much as he could. With every drink, he failed more and more. Trying to find courage in liquor, Alex was not particularly sober himself and accepted them thirstily as this evening barely held any other gifts for him. It would be so wrong to discuss moving in while dead drunk, but everything was apparently leading to it.

Around 3 a.m., two tipsy sorrows finally collided and landed on a couch entwined together, curing and destroying each other at the same time. Liquor flavored lips only spoke with kisses, however long some words could have been lingering on them, and it was true not only for Alex. He could almost feel something unsaid straining Theo’s lips, and it gave kisses a bitter smack. What if it was something absolutely opposite to what Alex was trying to utter?

“Theo…” Alex mumbled, his tongue barely moving after all the drinks and caresses, “There’s this thing… We’ve got to… What if we, uh… Oh fuck, it’s like trying to untangle a wad of Christmas lights and getting electrocuted…”

“It’s alright, don’t worry,” Theo said in a clearer voice but dropped his head on Alex’s shoulder right after it, “Just… Let’s sit like this for a while. Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying…” he sang quietly.

“No, I… Why that tone…”

“So please stop explaining, don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts,” Theo went on, and Alex stared at him heavily.

“How much of shuffle mode is this… supposed to be?”

“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just drunk. No explanations necessary indeed, though… You don’t owe me shit, after all.”

“What?” Alex asked in confusion, “Owe you? As in?”

“Of course, you don’t. I’m quite aware of it, I’ve always been. I’m a fast learner, after all. But it’s just the hardest piece of information to grasp outright.”

Alex was thunderstruck. Not seeing Theo’s face, he could only judge by Theo’s voice, and it was horrifyingly calm.

“Theo, I don’t really understand…” Alex mumbled in fear.

“Yeah… This is hard to deny. Maybe it’s even better that you don’t because otherwise it’s just conscious cruelty. Who could’ve thought?”

“You’re just fucking drunk, that’s all,” Alex lied to both of them, “And who would even say those things to a person while almost kissing their neck?”

Theo sat up, swinging from side to side. His eyes were not even angry. Almost serene, but it was the peace of an exclusion zone.

“Right, it’s ridiculous. But… it kind of makes sense for me. On the one hand, I can make myself say them only like this. And on the other hand, I can’t kiss you and omit them anymore.”

“I… I know I’ve been a huge calamity and things are knotty now… But please, let me make it better, I’ve been thinking a lot, and…”

“No, Alex. Knotty is not the word. The damage is done, and things are terminally ill. You’ve got to let them fade in peace, and useless treatment would only be extra stress and suffering,” Theo declared earnestly. By the clarity of his drunk speech, it was clear that he had been thinking about it for a long time and the sentences were already carved in his mind. However, Alex tried to convince himself that only alcohol was making Theo blurt this early obituary.

“But I love you, Theo… and I don’t want them to fade,” Alex pleaded, cupping his face with trembling hands. Theo did not back away; he just looked into Alex’s eyes sadly.

“I love you too. But they have to and they will. Just… a bit later... because we… oh fuck,” Theo mumbled, suddenly rushing his hand to his mouth and jumping up, “Excuse me for a while,” he added and hobbled to the restroom.

Because we… what? A clot of possible answers, one worse than another, was throbbing in Alex’s mind as he kept sitting on the couch with his head lowered. Because they could still discuss everything reasonably and diminish the consequences? Because they were too fixed on each other to let go so fast? Or because, at the moment, they had no people to fill the void? Leastwise, Alex’s eyes never wandered around, no matter how many opportunities occurred. Was Theo that loyal, with his immense number of acquaintances? And would it even make sense if he was obviously hinting at an upcoming breakup?

Speaking of opportunities and acquaintances, Theo had been absent for a disturbingly long time. At first, Alex thought Theo was feeling too sick and he probably needed help. Although his state was no better, Alex trailed to the toilet. He paused in the doorway, clutching the jamb for balance, and looked around. The stinky room was empty. Where did Theo go then? Alex decided to come back to the couch so that they would not lose each other in the crowd. On his way, he grabbed another drink; he understood well that this one was excessive but his fingers and exhausted heart were just reaching for it. Stumbling upon blurring reality, Alex dropped himself on the couch again and started scanning the room. Theo could not have just run away. In spite of everything, he would never leave in such a rude and heartless way.

From this dark distant corner, attempts to notice somebody in the fuzzy crowd were doomed, particularly when Alex’s eyes and mind were challenging each other on who would shut down first. His thoughts were so shattered that his head felt like a hat with pieces of paper from some group game. Alex took out his phone only to discover there was no mobile coverage in this wretched club, the name of which he had not even grasped. With a hoarse sigh of desperation, Alex put the phone away and squinted into the distance again. Then he stood up, swinging and shaking, to see better. Then he walked around the club. Then he poured another bitter gulp into his mouth, burst into a fit of coughing and tumbled outside to find if not his missing lover, than at least some fresh air.

An icy gust hit Alex right in the nose and refreshed his senses. The searching eye rush went on. Alex expected to see just a few smoking people – instead, there was a whole crowd outside, and things were apparently getting turbulent. The rowdy mob seemed to be split in two. The yelling stage was gradually making way for pushing and punching, and Alex receded to the wall cautiously. To his relief, Theo was not among the fighters. However, it seemed to Alex that he saw some of his friends. He could not know for sure because, too occupied with his problems, he had not bothered to memorize their faces even vaguely.

Just in case, Alex looked around again before returning to the club. No, Theo was not anywhere near. There was not even a person calm enough to ask whether they had seen a rather prominent blue leather jacket, and Alex would not risk approaching the fighters, even if they really were Theo’s friends. The wild big blokes would just trample the tiny inquirer down. Finally, Alex noticed an innocent bystander and stared at him hopefully. The fellow was dressed in black, had light reddish-brown hair – as far as a lamppost allowed Alex to see – and watched the scene with a bewildered frown. His look jumped from face to face rapidly, and Alex concluded that he was not just a curious passerby; most probably, he knew somebody involved in the fight. Maybe because he did not take part in the battle, maybe because the reserved perplexity on his face was something Alex could easily relate to – in any case, suddenly Alex felt a weird bond with this stranger and considered him the most trustworthy and appealing character of the lousy scene. Alex walked up to him unsteadily, feeling ridiculous.

“Uh… excuse me… hello…” Alex mumbled, “Have you, by any chance… seen a guy in a blue leather jacket anywhere around here?”

“Don’t think so,” the bloke said, shaking his head and glancing at the growing fight askance, “Are those your friends?”

“Nah, I… alright, sorry… if you see him, can you please tell him I’ll be waiting where we parted?”

Bafflement wrinkled the stranger’s forehead and widened his blue eyes.

“Uh… Okay, but who are you and where is it?”

“If he doesn’t get it, there’s no point,” Alex declared solemnly, “Thank you so much in advance… I really appreciate…”

“Drop it. I haven’t even done anything yet and I can’t promise I’ll get that blue leather jacket lad at all,” the stranger waved away, slightly embarrassed.

“I hope you do,” Alex said and went back to the club before the fight would get too big and absorb him accidentally.

Once in the stuffy and oppressive room, Alex felt his strengths leaving him again. On his last legs, he walked back and forth with no success in his search again. Trying to invigorate himself with yet another drink was a mistake. Sickening visions flashed in his mind, merging into a single heartbreaking scenario: Theo had just gone away forever, and everything was lost. The floor rolled beneath Alex’s legs and threw him on the accursed couch carelessly, making him crawl upon it to take a crooked sitting position. The limbs disobeyed like mad, and Alex buried his face in the dark leather of the backrest. The skin stuck to it disgustingly, and the smell was far from pleasant, but Alex could not make himself stand up or even open his eyes. Lost… and gone forever… The darkness enclosed, pushing away the last reasons to rise, to move, to do anything…

“Al… Alex… Come on, wake up, what happened to you? Alex!”

The lively music seemed to break out again, as though somebody had put headphones on him. In fact, it had not stopped playing for a minute during Alex’s toxic oblivion. Somebody was shaking him carefully and talking right over his ears, and Alex opened his eyes strenuously. Theo was sitting near his curved flaccid body and drilling him with a worried stare.

“Oh thank god, you’re here…” Alex mumbled, rising awkwardly and wrapping his arms around Theo. He was not even sure which parts of the messy night had been real. The most important thing was that Theo came back for him.

“Of course, I am… Sorry it took so long. Are you alright? I think it’s time we get out of here.”

“Yeah… right,” Alex agreed faintly, and Theo helped him reach the exit, holding him on the waist. Theo himself looked much fresher than he had while dashing to the restroom with a greenish face. The white rose was still sticking out of his chest pocket, its petals feeble and darkening. It was still dark outside, but the morning freshness was already distinct in the air, promising new dawns and chances. Alex breathed deeply and calmly again. When Theo felt that his motions were steady enough, he let him go cautiously, but Alex grabbed his hand right away.

“Okay, it’s fine,” Theo smiled.

“Just… don’t let go, please,” Alex murmured, still trying to untangle reality and dreams. The pleading intonation made Theo tense up.

“I won’t. Look, uh… I might’ve had a short blackout at one point because I can’t remember how and why we split up. Only that leather couch. Did something bad happen? Did I say something?”

“Nah,” Alex lied, drowned in mixed emotions, “Apparently you had to puke and ran away, and then we just got lost in the crowd, I guess… not to mention my own blackout, which was probably a bit longer and heavier. What time is it, by the way?”

“About 8 a.m., I guess.”

“Oh fuck… That was intense.”

“Did you sleep this whole time?”

“Tried to search for you, at first. Where were you hiding, by the way?”

“God knows,” Theo shrugged, “I felt really bad at some point. I couldn’t find you as well and thought you had already left. There was no mobile coverage, I was barely able to stand, and my friends had disappeared as well. I didn’t know what to do so I walked outside just in case and found my friends in the middle of a fight. And then I met somebody… and we accidentally spoke for hours.”

“I appreciate your care and regard about my missing unconscious body,” Alex grumbled, but Theo just waved away.

“Oh, come on, everything was fine in the end, wasn’t it? And it was that very lad who told me in the end that somebody had been searching for me. I would’ve remained sure you had left otherwise. So don’t be angry. He was suddenly like ‘Wait, you’re that very blue leather jacket guy! I’ve got to tell you something!’, and I went to search inside again.”

“Took him so long, though.”

“Well, we were both drunk as fuck. It’s a miracle he recalled your message at all. And that, among all the gurgling chaos, I ran into him, not somebody else.”

“Uh… Wow. Fate, I guess.”

“This was really lucky,” Theo said brightly, ignoring the vexed undertone, “I remember how you told me someone with my tastes and spirits would come along eventually. And it happened indeed! We’ve decided to start a band!”

Alex’s jaw dropped a mile down. A band after a few hours of drunk talks? Seriously?

“Yeah, I know, kind of out of the blue,” Theo nodded with an even wider grin, “But it felt so right. And it still does, even when I’m almost sober.”

“Impressive,” Alex squeezed out with a wooden smile, “Tell me more.”

“Well, his name is Adam, he lives in Manchester too. It was such a ridiculous story. As I said, I was looking for you and bumped into my friends fighting with some guys. Adam wasn’t involved, and it turned out that the other side was his friends. It just swirled word by word, and we found out we matched in a lot of things. Above all, music, of course. We talked about Prince, Depeche Mode and many other bands while our friends were whacking each other’s faces… and then we ended up as a band. Isn’t it amazing?”

Falling apart with every word, Alex nodded reluctantly. There had to be a polite way to explain that the request to detail had been sarcastic. He had not asked for torture with a sprinkle of revenge.

“Absolutely fantastic,” Theo went on, “Inopportune place, inopportune time, inopportune circumstances… and among all of that, something so fortunate and important.”

Alex had an unbearable urge to shut Theo’s delight with a gag and wonder acidly what ‘important’ he was even talking about when he and that lad had just known each other for a few hours. However, he tried to restrain himself. The idea, which had brought him to Manchester in the first place, was almost forgotten. Jealous and demotivated, Alex would rather leave right now than talk about it. Even their handclasp had already broken, and Theo did not even seem to notice, too busy declaiming his enthusiasm about the new friend. Or was the overabundant delight only feigned to make Alex angry? With that absurd story and headlong rapture, it could be. Okay, Theo, here comes your own coin…

“Good for you. By the way, as for acquaintances…” Alex coughed meaningly, “Recently we’ve started touring with a really great band… They’re called The Little Flames.”

“Cool!”

“Yeah. We’ve been hanging out with them a lot beyond the stage as well. I’ve palled up with one guy in particular.”

The anticipated shadow of worry glided upon Theo’s face, and Alex pressed the knife in slightly.

“His name is Miles, and, just like in your story, there’re a lot of remarkable matches. Like, we’ve played a couple of songs together. Almost a telepathic experience, it was. It’s like I’ve known him for all my life. Besides, he’s an exceptional songwriter and guitarist.”

Caught off guard, Theo failed to mask his exasperation. It was a thoroughly ignoble act and a treacherous hit on a weak spot. Under no circumstances had Alex done such vile tricks either accidentally or on purpose. There were always a lot of people around him, including those who wanted to get closer, but he had never highlighted anyone and discussed it with Theo. Such specifics, unlike an abstract crowd, were purely an act of aggression.

“I even have their T-shirt!” Alex added wickedly.

He had palled up with Miles well indeed and not a word had been a lie, and yet Alex embellished the story with words and intonations so that it would make a responding revenge. Theo resembled a helpless scolded child so much that Alex almost regretted it. But then Theo collected himself rather quickly, and what he said only supported Alex’s evil spirits.

“Well, when somebody is not on your level, it just makes sense to find a bird of a feather,” Theo admitted, his tone balancing on the edge between hurt and resignation. A sore string of his heart was ringing all around the hushed street. Pointing out the gap between their positions so bitterly was much worse than any genial scoffs they had usually exchanged.

They went on in awkward silence, heading god knows where. After this row of snubs, Alex had absolutely no wish to talk about moving in together or even try to turn this bleak morning into a proper date. Nausea rolled up again, and this time alcohol had little to do with it. Although Theo seemed to pull himself together after the wound fast, the day was spoilt for good and all, not to mention how more far-reaching sad aftermath was bound to come.

“Al, you look bad,” Theo noticed, examining his distorted face, “Are you sure you’re alright by now?”

“Hangover, that’s all. No big deal.”

“Maybe we can find an open café and drop in for a bite of something greasy. I’d kill for a big cheese-dripping burger right now.”

“Ugh… Sickening.”

“Then we can sneak into my place. I’ll get you meds and whatever you want. Or you can have a nap.”

“I think it’s better if I get on a train and go home right now,” Alex mumbled stubbornly. Amidst the existing context, Theo’s care only let him down.

“Really?” Theo lowered his eyebrows, “I can’t let you go in such a state. If something bad happens, it will be my fault. Come on, let’s lie around in my room for a while until you feel better. I don’t think anyone will mind. They wake up late on Saturdays, anyway.”

“There’s really no need,” Alex cut him off. Baffled by such obstinacy, Theo stared at him for a while with his mouth agape.

“Oh… Okay. I’ll just see you off to the railway station then.”

“It’s been a year, I know where it is!” Alex cried out angrily.

“Whoa, calm down,” Theo muttered, “I just wanted to make sure you would reach it safe and sound. But if you don’t need it anymore…”

His despondent face made Alex feel even worse, if it was still possible at this point.

“Sorry… It’s not what I wanted to say.”

“Nothing new,” Theo remarked through gritted teeth.

“I mean… You don’t have to bother, just go home and sleep. I won’t get lost.”

“I liked it more when I had to bother. Or, more precisely, when I was allowed to. But whatever.”

Alex failed to find a reply to this sting and stared at Theo hopelessly, waiting for new attacks and almost asking for them. He knew he deserved an execution. But Theo just stared back, his mouth twitching slightly.

“Text me when you’re home, okay?” Theo said coldly at last.

“Uh… okay. Theo, I… I just…” Alex mumbled, trying to take Theo’s hand and explain himself, but Theo jerked away.

“There’s really no need,” he mimicked bitterly and went further alone, his long legs making steps so drastic that Alex would have to run to catch up with him. But he did not even try. Instead, he turned around and went in the opposite direction just as resolutely. Alex would find that damn, sorrow-soaked railway station even with his eyes closed.

He knew it was not the final goodbye yet. The scene was too abrupt and disorderly. After a year, they deserved a better finale, even if there was already no way to change its key to a major one. However, the funeral bells were already tolling afar in even, merciless strokes. Before, they had never had a quarrel – only jocular mocks or short bickers about what film they would watch or something just as trifling. But it was a whole different tone and never led to a real conflict. Both were peaceful and appreciative of their relationship enough to compromise at times and save it even from tiny dents. And now, since Alex started singing that ode to Miles deliberately, although he knew about Theo’s pain, and Theo could not fail to grasp how troublesome the story about Adam was for Alex, insecure and jealous even when it was about his own friends who doubtlessly had no plans for Theo, apparently, the feelings were just not precious enough anymore.


	6. Reflector

After Theo’s miserly ‘ok’ in reply to Alex’s report on getting home, communication froze for a few days. The fresh double-sided offence made Alex postpone a call again and again, whereas in his head, he was talking to Theo all the time. As though under the barrel of a gun, his mind was galloping desperately and trying to find the most accurate words for explaining his outburst, apologizing and saying how much he wanted everything to be the way it had been. Not a single everyday activity could pause that desperate imaginary expedition for long. Finally, the time bomb of regret and anguish detonated, and Alex pressed the stiff black button with a green phone.

“Theo, I’m sorry for being such an asshole,” Alex started miserably, “Being drunk and sick is such a lame excuse for overreacting to things that badly. I was just so scared to lose you that night… you know, the visions were absolutely monstrous… and I wasn’t in the state to realize how stupid and exaggerated they were,” Alex said. By then, he was not even sure if Theo had really mentioned a close farewell or his own corroded mind had imagined it. After all, he had been drunk and exhausted enough for such hallucinations. “When you mentioned that guy, it was like they suddenly came to life and ran after me, roaring and clanging their teeth. Please, forget what I yelled in panic while fleeing. Instead, remember that I love you more than I can ever describe and that few other journeys matter to me more than you seeing me off to the station and, even better, leading me to your place. And the upper part of the list would involve you all the time as well.”

“Oh, Alex…” Theo exhaled with an affected stumble in his breath, “It is me who should say sorry, actually. I got carried away, such a heedless piece of shit… I should’ve searched for you earlier. I feel awful for summoning those monsters and leaving you alone with them for so long.”

Both had more things to apologize for but silently agreed to stop there and keep away from the minefield.

“It’s alright. Both of us fucked up but now it’s all behind,” Alex said, “I miss you, T.”

“I miss you too, Al. Any spare hours these days?”

“Today!” Alex exclaimed eagerly. He had bothered to free the day in advance in case everything would go well. “If the timetable facilitates, I can arrive around 3.”

“Perfect,” Theo said with a content chuckle, “See you at the platform then!”

An hour of railroad noise and tingling anticipation – and Alex jumped out of the train in Manchester, looking around so impatiently that his neck started to hurt. There was no familiar shaggy figure towering anywhere in sight. Alex swallowed nervously. Theo was always on time. What could have happened? Suddenly Alex felt a gentle hand grazing his forearm and heard a familiar cheerful voice.

“Hey, I’m right here. Do I really look that different now to pass me by?”

Alex turned around and bulged his eyes out. The dearly loved locks were gone – instead, there was a gelled up short hairdo that made Theo look even taller and slimmer. With his face alluringly open and distinct, the irrepressible smile on his lips seemed to shine brighter than ever. The new style suited Theo really well but Alex needed a few seconds to recover from such a radical change.

“Who are you and what have you done to my Fluffy?” Alex smiled, staring at Theo fondly and not even winking.

“Gone forever. Hope I can make a good replacement,” Theo laughed lightly but then added in a worried voice, “Does it look bad? Don’t you like it?”

“I do! I love it! It’s just… I… well, it was unexpected, after a year of playing with your hair at every opportunity… and I liked it that way, too… Why did you cut it, though?”

“Oh, it was spontaneous and… kind of symbolic, I guess. Besides, since I’m in a band now, hair is super important.”

The answer abashed Alex slightly. Years of being in a band – and he had never given hair much attention. He had not even had any deliberate and thought-out haircuts. Furthermore, the symbolism of that move sounded worrying. What exactly was Theo trying to get rid of along with his hair? Particularly when he knew how Alex liked to caress it?

“Uh… Yeah, I guess. And I’m trying to grow mine out… like you told me.”

“Great!” Theo nodded with enthusiasm, “It’s like we’ve swapped places!”

“Ha-ha, I did think of buying a blue leather jacket like yours, actually! I’ll have to climb a small stool for a quality impersonation, though.”

Both laughed, and the more Alex looked at Theo’s happy face, the smaller all their issues seemed. Theo opened his arms for a usual loving greeting, and Alex tiptoed to give him a kiss. He raised his hand to run it through Theo’s hair from force of habit – but then Alex remembered and slid it down his smooth cheek. Embracing him among all this station hustle and indifferent frosty air, not in the slightest could Theo be hinting at separation. He was as tender and close as ever, and even when the kiss stopped, Alex could not let him go and avert his eyes.

“You’re so beautiful,” Alex whispered, “Not a single mountain or sea could compare…”

“You haven’t seen a lot, have you?” Theo laughed off but his eyes shone with gratefulness, “By the way, there’s another advantage of this haircut… A better view of you.”

Alex chuckled and blushed with the swiftness of a shy schoolgirl, complimented for the first time ever.

“Speaking of which,” Theo went on, raising his eyebrows in an intriguing manner, “There’s nobody home, and they won’t come back until evening, so many different better views are available.”

“Wow! You’ll show me your new TV set, won’t you?” Alex smirked, and they left the platform hugging and laughing, almost like in the good old days.

The station building had not even disappeared behind a turn yet, and Alex already got used to Theo’s haircut and fell in love with him all over again. Before, however lovely, Theo had looked like a clumsy and hapless teenager, and now, thanks to this trifle, he was a tempting stately man, worthy of a magazine cover, a place that had always been destined for him. Alex was staring in awe all the way and thinking how right Theo probably was about the meaning of the hairstyle. A fellow with looks so wonderful and voice so magnetizing would certainly be a stunning frontman. Moreover, somehow Theo knew and understood the rules of that game much better than Alex, whose look did not even differ much from the day of their first meeting. Only the awkwardly grown strands likened him to a yet undecided emo kid and barely added any scenic persuasion.

While Alex liked Theo’s new style immensely, deep inside he was afraid that it was another chilling sign. Everything would hardly be the same again, as he had been dreaming. They were changing, and their attitudes and aims were changing as well. In the beginning, when they had just come together, all of their beliefs had been flowing somewhere close; they had even looked similar. Now neither their appearances nor goals matched. Or, more precisely, goals did, to a certain extent, since Theo had acquired a band to worry about as well, but distanced them from each other even more.

The thaw that followed a sultry reconciliation did not last long. After Arctic Monkeys’ debut album thundered in January, all the problems came back, waving their hands with a vicious smirk, and unpacked such a big suitcase that it became clear that they did not mean just a random visit. This time, Alex actually tried vigorously to find a point of balance but failed too often, and it was not solely his fault. The rockfall of bothers and responsibilities made laid-back dating almost unachievable, and earlier mazes turned out to have been just a slight summer rain, nowhere near an excuse to cancel any plans. Camera flashes, clichéd interview questions, intolerably dull negotiations and music, music, so much music… Sometimes Alex felt like he needed literal and figurative earplugs. The rollercoaster Alex had boarded was too extreme to bounce in it all the time, clutching the handles nervously. Alex would never leave it for good, but there had to be breaks, and what he wanted to do for a rest the most was just lie around in Theo’s room, cuddle with him and, finally, hear nothing but his melodious voice. It would be just the needed idyllic counterweight for all the madness.

Even when Alex managed to rake all the work into neat piles and gain a long-awaited free day, it was not a triumph yet, because a worse obstacle could emerge, like a menacing iron fence right in front of the desired destination. Not only did Theo abandon his own attempts to meet but also dodged from Alex’s ones. It was as though Theo got tired of running after him all the time and asked Alex to chase him, for a change, but Alex was a slower runner and would not catch him without at least slight compliance. Now and then Theo diversified the excuses with a slightly reluctant and sad ‘yes’, as though this simple word cost him a huge inner conflict, and even those meetings were obscure and disquieting. Theo’s behavior was self-contradictory: he could say something subtly hurtful and then almost knock Alex down with a desperate kiss just a few minutes after it, he could avoid looking into his eyes for a whole hour and then block Alex in a tight embrace amidst a busy street… Overall, the crack in his attitude showed in every word and gesture. It was as if Theo regretted every previous action and tried to compensate it with a completely opposite one, but then it left him even unhappier, and the cycle repeated endlessly. Alex could only reckon that the drunk prediction was coming true. Theo was still in love with him, even though he knew it was wrong and had to end, but he could not let go completely yet because… Well, that riddle was still valid but closer to the key every day.

The ‘band’ that rose from the sea of liquor like a siren was a matter of worry for Alex, and he was slightly relieved to find out the slowness and flippancy of actions concerning it. Alex’s relationship with the Internet was still erratic, so he could not make himself consider exchanging drafts through it somewhat serious. Once he was hanging out with Theo in his room, when luck struck again and they could be a bit more lascivious than usual, and the risky topic came up again at the most inopportune moment.

“Adam sent me such a brilliant song yesterday,” Theo announced merrily, apparently not considering a naked Alex snuggling up to him a weighty reason to postpone this information, “It needs some improvements, of course, but I liked the spirit. It just rang with my mood nicely.”

Giving Theo a vibrant kick under the blanket was too enticing, and Alex hardly restrained himself. Whether the issue was purely business or, more probably, a personal one, Theo could have left it aside at least for a while.

“Cool,” Alex just squeezed out.

“Now it’s my turn, got to think of worthy lyrics.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m so excited to work on it! And even the thought of singing it live one day…”

“Why not now? Does that digital existence even make sense at all?”

“Oh, of course, it does. Leastwise, at this point,” Theo emphasized, “It was different for you because you had known your bandmates for a really long time. Adam and I weren’t even friends – we just decided to make music together. However amazing making friends through music is, you’ve got to be slow and careful not to ruin it all. This is… a fragile thing, and there’s a lot of fantasy and idealization about it. Reality might just crush it as soon as they collide.”

A timid and, at the same time, self-involved lad, Alex would really prefer Theo to cut down on sentimental speeches about other people. Particularly about Adam. Since the very beginning, Alex had sensed how different, how higher than any other Theo’s acquaintances he was. Theo was obviously laying big hopes on that fellow and notified Alex about it a bit more often than he was ready to handle.

“Uh… yeah, you’re probably right,” Alex admitted, “But this is just fun and games, that Internet stuff.”

“Not at all. Very useful and time-saving.”

“I’m not denying the advantages of the whole thing,” Alex said and even sat up in rebellion, “Just… why mix it up with music? This is like honey and cleaning fluid… or something…”

“Whoa, so you probably also think that electronic music is some ignominious contradiction?” Theo raised his eyebrows and moved his arm away from where Alex had been lying in his embrace.

“I certainly don’t! It’s just… I don’t even know how to explain why this concoction sounds wrong to me…”

“Because you’re a grumpy grandpa disguised as a baby face,” Theo smirked forcedly, trying to laugh the bicker away, “I’ve known for a while, it’s alright.”

Alex laughed and shrugged.

“Sorry. You’ve unmasked me. I surrender to your will and hope for mercy.”

Chuckling, Theo sat up too, and Alex leaned forward for a kiss, but Theo just dashed past him and went to the computer, not even bothering to cover his naked body. Alex glared at the sculpture-like strong back and tried to perform a vaguely tempting pose but hopelessly tangled up in the blanket instead.

“What’s that?” he muttered, “Anything urgent?”

“Adam promised to send me an improved version with a different solo,” Theo explained, unaware of the desperate seduction attempts behind his back, “And I thought I would check… Oh, here it is, great! Where the fuck are my headphones? Did Jak take them again? Ouch!” Theo squeaked as Alex tossed a pillow at his nape, “Watch out! You could’ve knocked the screen down!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Alex mimicked in annoyance, “You’ll knock it down sooner yourself.”

“This is not the time to play, Alex. I’m busy,” Theo said with a movement in between a shrug and a shake. He took the headphones out of a drawer and put them on decidedly. At the sight of neglect so frank and resolute, Alex could not even say a word and remind sourly that he was still there. He sat on the bed, entangled in the blanket like a freezing puppy, and felt crushingly helpless. There he was, his loved one, seemingly open and close, but now, among all other impediments, there was also a barrier of unfamiliar songs between them. Theo hid behind it comfortably and added his own bricks to make it higher. Too experienced in this technique himself, Alex could not really protest. Music was literally everything to them, from the force that had thrown them into each other initially to the calamity that was tearing them apart now.

Their meetings became rarer and tenser. Every single one felt like a graceless ending and obviously gave both more heartache than happiness. If nothing could cure the dying love, the only painfully reasonable thing to do was to apologize for the bad moments, thank for the good ones and say goodbye. One of their evening walks around Manchester was so silent and funereal that those farewell words seemed to be the only appropriate ones.

“Theo, we need to talk,” Alex started huskily as the sinister street got desolate enough for that kind of conversation, “It’s… well… we both know things have changed drastically. It’s only foolish to think… and to pretend they haven’t. Hurts to say this but… with the way everything is hanging on a thread right now… do you think it makes sense at all? Do we… still matter?”

Everything around fell silent like after a deadly avalanche. Theo inhaled heavily, prolonging the cruel pause.

“Frankly, Al, I don’t think we’ve ever mattered enough,” he said.

“Ever? Why do you – ”

“It’s just true,” Theo interrupted harshly, “When two people are a couple and person A doesn’t matter to person B the way person B matters to person A, the whole couple is worthless and wrong. What, going to argue with that? There’s no fucking point. You can’t cross out so many lines without ripping the paper.”

Alex stopped and stared at Theo, shaking his head faintly. Denial seemed to anger Theo even more, and he burst into the flames of all the offenses he had never named directly and openly.

“I’m so fucking sick of it, Alex, you have no idea!” Theo yelled, “One of a thousand fascinated mediocrities from the very start, a spit in the ocean! I loved you with every piece of my inferior soul, and you just condescended when you had a spare hour and an itch in your pants! What’s even worse, I still love you and I just can’t let go, although I’ve been trying for months! It’s such a nasty feeling, to understand you’re not enough for the person you love and you’ll never be… and even now, when I’m trying to climb higher, you just scoff and frown! Why are you here today at all? No concerts or better alternatives to engage into?”

“Theo, it’s… not like this at all,” Alex only murmured, praying for the right words to come, but the better part of his extensive lexicon seemed to have absquatulated.

“It was dead-end from the start. You need a person from your own gang so you can be on the same level and mess with each other’s minds evenly. I guess, people from that world just have such a skill. Either created for that or getting used to it and not yearning for anything else. But I don’t want that agility of the heart. At least not now.”

“As if you know shit about it!” Alex screamed all of a sudden, “Do you think I want that clutter, all those dubious bonuses of fame? What kind of fool would choose them on purpose? I’ve never dreamed of becoming the lecherous heartbreaker type, okay? I just want a proper career and a proper relationship!”

“When you want something, you go for it,” Theo snorted, “And, as for a proper relationship, I haven’t noticed any particular endeavors. Besides you, there’re lots of commitment-searching celebrities who cope much better. There are even people who get married in the very beginning of their glory but neither road harms another one. Do you know why? Probably because their feelings are strong enough to put some work into their relationship!”

“Excuse me, but which aspect of your life was supposed to tell me you wanted to get married?” Alex squeaked, caught off guard by the unexpected word, “Endless parties or the fact that you keep reminding me how your future is associated with another guy whom you’ve seen in person like… once?”

“Don’t drag Adam into this!” Theo raised his voice again, his cheeks a shade between red and purple, “It was fucking figurative, Alex! Of course, I don’t want to get married at 19!”

“Figurative, wasn’t it? Just so you know, that day in November, I wanted to suggest moving in together very un-fucking-figuratively!”

“But you didn’t!”

“I tried, actually. You told me to let our terminally ill relationship die in peace and sprinted to meet your dear friend!”

Finally, the combative expression on Theo’s face wavered and left him dumbfounded. Apparently, he still did not remember that dialogue.  

“Did I really say that?” Theo mumbled, “This is so wrong… You always have to try.”

“Yeah. But don’t regret it, you were right, after all,” Alex grumbled, “Starting this conversation indeed was like poking a corpse with a stick and turning it into a berserk zombie.”

“Why did you start it at all? To break up with me?”

“Theo, I really don’t want to break up with you,” Alex pleaded, looking at Theo gloomily, “But as far as I can see, this is what you want. Moreover, what you have wanted for a while and even cared to give me a subtle drunk warning. I’ve been trying to dissuade you, to become a better boyfriend, to shift my priorities… but you’re pushing me away all the time. What else can I do?”

“You really should’ve thought about it earlier, Alex,” Theo shook his head slowly, “After everything we’ve been through, all the attention you’re trying to give me now feels forced and compensatory. I don’t want those alms. Okay, let’s say I try to accept it normally, then what? Everything’s going to become just the same after a while, as it has already happened many times. And even worse, because there’re going to be lots more hits, tours and people around you… More interesting, more significant people. I can’t compete with them.”

“Fucking hell, Theo, I don’t want those people even if they’re the kings of the universe! I just want you!”

Theo smirked bitterly.

“I didn’t get that impression.”

“What the fuck do you want as proof?” Alex shrieked, “I can’t cancel or reschedule fucking concerts and other things, do you understand it? Because you’re talking like you don’t! Maybe you’re just envious? Or even angry at me because I’m in the position you’ve been dreaming of but I don’t even use it the right way, the way you would? Get your fucking band out of your computer and do something real, and, who knows, maybe it will dawn on you what things really are like in life! What’s stopping you?”

Panting like he had just completed a marathon, Alex clenched his fists and glared into the burning void of Theo’s eyes. His expression was almost unresponsive, but just a slight movement of his eyebrows was menacing enough for Alex to tremble involuntarily.

“I’d tell you what’s been stopping me this whole time,” Theo hissed, “But I really don’t have any time or wish to wallow in the lake of your tears. Bugger off. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

“Great! Go dive into your monitor and get that guy but don’t be surprised if he’s in another castle because it’s a fucking game!”

“Actually, Alex, between you two, you’re the one with the princess mentality!”

Infuriated but having no more words to express it, Alex spat on the ground and walked away under the dim light of shabby lampposts, only a few of which were working. Hasty angry steps behind him faded into the distance fast.

When Alex got on the train, sat down and stared at the familiar sequence of meager views in the window, the sane part of his mind came to life and started pondering aloud. It said quietly that, as a matter of fact, Theo was somewhat right in his reproaches and even relatively laconic and restrained in expressing them, compared to what Alex really deserved after months of wicked whirligigs around him. And still Alex was so angry that his breath started racing every time he replayed the scene in his head. Even the fact that Theo had yelled at him in the middle of the street was exasperating. Theo had never given the energy and the feelings, boiling inside of him, a negative charge, particularly regarding Alex. Most of the time, a musician allows himself such loud and desperate notes only at the end of a song.

Fury receded with time. Instead, heart-rending memories billowed, along with all the delinquencies Alex had done, including even the most foolish jokes. After a few weeks of devastating self-hatred that led him nowhere close to recovery, Alex came to conclusion that he was the only guilty side, while Theo had just told him the truth. It was unfair to blame him when he had already been restraining those rightful claims for too long. Alex’s sensitive and diffident mind kept raising his own fault in his eyes.

There had to be one last chance. Alex hoped that Theo was soft and forgiving enough to gift it. Everything would change now. All his free time, every single minute of it, would be spent right, either being by Theo’s side or at least arranging something nice for him. There would be no more hiding, lying and dodging. As for the mistakes that had already been carved, Alex was ready to atone for them and to make sure that each would have its caring amendment.

One day Alex could not help thinking about it passively anymore – a drop of alcohol played its part as well – and made a painful call. Alex told Theo everything he had been thinking of, apologized expansively, stumbled all the time, choked on words and even lost his voice twice. It was vitally important to tell everything right this time, since it could be the last one, but, under the pressure from himself, Alex stammered even more and mixed up letters and whole words. To his relief, Theo listened quietly and did not try to interrupt him, so Alex went on more confidently and suggested meeting so that they could discuss everything in a mature and calm way. But the answer was cold and dry.

“Sorry, I’m very busy these days,” Theo said, and regret did not show in his voice in the slightest extent, “My, ahem, computer band has turned real.”

“Oh… wow… good for you,” Alex murmured hesitantly, “With Adam?” he added, although the answer was already clear.

“Yeah. A couple of other people with us but we’re the backbone. So now you have to wait until I have some spare time.”

The narrowly revengeful tone was nettling, and Alex flew off the handle again.

“Okay, I get it. Throwing my own knife back. So clever. But it doesn’t make it any better for us.”

“Us? What does it have to do with you, Alex? Please, chill, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Mine in particular. Destroy the idea that I’m somehow defined by your actions and that I’m some fucking B movie, only there as a makeweight for the more publicized upper part of the double feature. It’s not like I’m fucking trying to prove something to you with this band. None of this is about you. It’s just about me and Adam.”

Theo was obviously still too hurt to talk reasonably and stop picking on words. Alex had no idea what he could say so that it would not backfire, particularly when he was burning inside and barely containing his own pain.

“So making friends through music went well, didn’t it? Or is the friendly stage already behind?” Alex wondered with a splash of acid.

“Have I ever implied something like this about your bandmates? Anyway, we’re not together anymore so it doesn’t concern you,” Theo parried, “To be honest, you were one of the reasons I was so unhurried with Adam. I was just trying to spare your nerves, didn’t want to cause extra tension. And then I got those jealous rebukes again. By the way, just curious, do you sleep in that T-shirt with your pal’s band?”

That ‘not together anymore’ had the destructive force of an explosion, and Alex felt the debris of his heart blazing to the choir of wails and screams for help.

“Theo, listen… this is really irrelevant here…”

“So you do, right?”

“Fucking shit! I don’t! Can you stop filtering away like 80% of what I’m saying? Or is the phone line so faulty? I tell you once again, let’s meet and have a sensible talk. When are you free? This weekend, maybe?”

“Rehearsals,” Theo blurted sharply.

“Okay, fine. Monday?”

“Studying from morning till evening.”

“Tuesday?”

“Adam asked me to go with him to buy new guitar strings.”

“Let me think… Um, Wednesday’s out because I have an interview and a photoshoot…”

“And here you again.”

“Oh my god, fuck the interview and the photoshoot!” Alex screeched furiously, “I won’t go there! Are you satisfied? What else do you want? Me to quit the band? Or burn all the albums and guitars ritually? Why don’t you understand how important this is for me? To achieve, to mean something?”

“Look, I’m not trying to destroy your career or get you into trouble,” Theo muttered, “I just want to say that if you really want to meet, you’ll always find an opportunity to spare at least a few minutes. Even with those days, you could’ve tried harder and thought of something. You have no idea how fast I had to run to the railway station after classes to see you for just an hour, even though the tickets are not particularly cheap for a student to get them in packs. Not to mention all the stories and tricky plans I made up to make my family leave the flat for a while when you could come. What about you? Ever run like the wind or lied your ass off to be with me? No, why, I’m not worth it!”

The talk clattered a lot longer but brought no results. Only a handful of salt lay upon the wound and made Alex cringe with pain. Instead of the last chance or at least reserved forgiveness, he got just a stale verdict. Theo remained at his point with the stubbornness typical mostly for young souls, inexperienced and explosive in the matters of the heart. He did not even want this relationship back to make a compromise.

The final note was almost hysteric. The attempts of explaining fell down, colliding with a concrete wall of anguish and resentment, and silly insults followed instead. As though competing in inventing swear words, they rattled for several minutes, and Alex was the first one to get a lump in his throat and hung up in time so that Theo would not hear his voice trembling and breaking. The phone flew at the wall, and, even though it did not get any significant damage, its thud made Alex feel only worse, as if it was exactly what a full period sounded like. He did not shed a tear that day but let his guitar cry rivers instead of him.

When it was too late to play, Alex put it away and raided his own room, searching for all kinds of bittersweet memories and throwing them on the floor. Soon it was covered with a glossy carpet, consisting of Polaroid self-portraits and photo booths strips with his and Theo’s smiling faces, and above, there were just a few pictures made with a decent camera, because most of the time, there had been no one around to take them. Then Alex dropped gifts, letters and postcards that he had been cherishing fondly. Finally, he gathered all the little things that reminded of Theo no less: cinema and concert tickets, a double headphone adapter, with which they had probably listened to a million songs, and even Theo’s favourite cinnamon tea, a couple of teabags of which Alex always had in case he would come around. Alex could not find it in himself to throw this collection of mementos away; he just put everything in a guitar amplifier box and shoved it under his bed so that no bleak remains would hurt his eyes. Only a small pile of trifles had gone away but, to Alex, the room seemed much emptier at once, just like a ship without sails. When he looked around, he only saw voids that reminded him of the pain even more. He could not clean up his heart so easily.

As ill luck would have it, that week was the most vacant Alex had had in a while. Intense busyness would shake off the heartbreak at least for a while, but, unfortunately, those accursed interview and photoshoot were the only upcoming plans. Staying in the rest of the time, as Alex did, only aggravated the situation. When about a week had passed, Miles called Alex and invited him out. By then, they had become good pals and saw each other beyond their shared shows quite often, even though Theo’s shady implications were untrue. Sometimes it occurred to Alex that Miles could be hitting on him but, firstly, Miles was a flirt too big in general to know for sure, and then, Alex was too blinded by his heartbreak to answer or even discern any ogles. What he sought at the moment, was a friend. The romance muscles of his mind needed a rest.

Alex trailed into the pub like a sleepwalker and lingered in the aisle, slowly inhaling the forgotten boozy smell of social life. For a long time, he had been either working or decaying at home. It was overdue to crawl out of this vicious circle and have at least one relaxed evening. His lighthearted friend was already there, at the table right in the center of the room, with two glasses of beer ordered beforehand. Miles jumped up to give him a greeting hug.

“Hey, how’re you doing, mate?” Miles grinned.

“Alright,” Alex said with a dim smile and sat down, “And you?”

“Oh, fine, had a good time at the studio yesterday. Wait till you hear them.”

“Looking forward to it,” Alex nodded with the same exhausted grimace, and Miles frowned a bit.

“Are you?”

“Yeah, of course, I… don’t mind my face, you know how I love your songs.”

“What happened, Al?”

Slightly disconcerted, Alex made a long gulp of his beer to postpone the answer. Miles knew nothing about Theo as yet. Even a short answer would probably require the rest of the story, and Alex absolutely did not feel like going over it once again, particularly verbally and with alcohol close at hand.

“Uh… A distressing breakup, shortly. Let’s leave it aside, if you don’t mind. Not in the mood to talk about it at all. ”

“Sorry it happened,” Miles said, his merry face fading genuinely, “Okay, sure, as you say. If you need to disburden, though, I’m here for you.”

“Oh… I appreciate it, Mi. But it’s really not the moment.”

“Alright, let’s switch to better things then. Have you thought about my suggestion?”

“A side project? Yeah, I’ve been thinking…” Alex mumbled, although in fact this idea had not managed to break into his crammed mind this week, “Well, the idea’s captivating, but there’s a lot to go through, of course…”

“Like?” Miles wondered impatiently.

“Like… do we have enough time to dedicate to our shadows and will it even work out? I mean, yeah, playing around is always fun but when we’re talking about an actual band…”

“We’ve got to try or we’ll never know,” Miles shrugged, sipping his beer, “Anyway, if it’s just fun, it’s also good. Sorry for bringing it up again, but, after a breakup, it’s just the time to try something new.”

“Uh… Yeah, I guess,” Alex nodded, looking past Miles’ expressive stare, “But it’s also a responsibility. If we take it, everything needs to be done meticulously, not just for fun.”

“Oh, come on! Bands come and go all the time, there’s no need for such a scientific approach. You just do it, that’s all.”

“Right you are, but…”

“I know so many people who started bands lately!” Miles exclaimed, “Like, my friend Liam in Manchester. He’s started one recently, The Courteeners is their name. They’re going to be big, I tell you.”

‘Manchester’ and ‘start a band’ made Alex cringe and hit his teeth with the glass. Miles seemed to have taken it as surprise.

“Well, it’s no wonder, Manchester’s always had a stirring music scene,” he remarked, “And it still does. Besides Liam, I know two other guys who formed a band. Well, not really ‘know’… Liam’s more friendly with them, and I’ve just seen them a couple of times at parties. Can’t even remember their names, to be honest… Adam and… uh… another has a weird one… Leo or something like that.”

Struck by the evil coincidence to the bone, Alex stared at Miles in silence, but the glass in his hand trembled more and more. What a weird and nightmare-worthy way to leave this topic aside.

“And you know what’s funny about them?” Miles went on meaningly, “They seem to be together not only as a band.”

Alex finally put the severely shaking glass on the table, although the sound was more like he had dropped it. When his sore spot was bleeding again, it was hard to consider the actual exemplifying reasons why Miles was bringing up this story, the background and the possible effect of which he knew nothing about.

“What the hell…” Alex only managed to murmur heavily, “How… t-t-together…”

“How? In a common way, as a couple,” Miles raised his eyebrows, “Anything wrong with that?”

Well, this was hard to answer. An honest reply would require an hour of Miles’ silence and patience, a few more drinks and probably some tissues.  

“No, no, I don’t mean… like… it’s fine, of course, but why those assumptions at all?” Alex asked in a voice on the verge of cracking.

“Oh, I don’t know for sure. We’re not close enough to just walk up and ask that. But I’ve seen them kiss once. And Liam mentioned passingly that this Leo – shit, I don’t think it’s his actual name but whatever – had been in some long and troublesome relationship and he couldn’t let it go for a while so it’s nice to see him moving on at last. Nobody in the gang knows anything in particular about that relationship, though, even Liam, so it’s probably some bastard from beyond. Alright, fuck it, the whole thing doesn’t even concern me, anyway… I just wanted to say that, if you ask me, it’s great, a band and a relationship with the same person, and very convenient. Because when you… Alex? Alex, are you alright? Al?..”

The tears were not visible behind Alex’s thin hands but he was trembling so hard that one would not overlook them. Of all moments, it was the worst one to burst into tears at last – in a public place, with a worried unaware friend in front of him and lots of strangers turning their heads at the sobbing sounds. Alex could not stop the desperate flow that had been accumulating for a long time and pressing him from the inside. When he lowered his wet hands to dry them against his sleeves, he could barely see Miles’ panicked face through the fog in his eyes.

“Al, please, tell me what’s going on,” Miles said, his eyes round of fear, “What happened? Did I say something wrong?”

“His name is Theo,” Alex just sobbed and covered his face again to hide a new wave of misery.

Facts clicked in Miles’ mind, and then he realized what tragedy he had just disclosed. To his credit, Miles said and asked nothing more. He just stood up, sat near his friend and hugged him softly. It was the only and the best thing he could do at the moment. Choking on his tears, Alex trembled in his awkward consolatory embrace and turned away so that the salty mess on his face would not wet Miles’ shirt. Miles could not care about it less and pulled him closer carefully until Alex hid the effusive breakdown in his shoulder. After the last wobbly sob, Alex quieted down, and teardrops kept running down only in his head, grubbing the path for a vigorous stream of sorrow that was bound to run a long and heavy way.


	7. Dreamology

A gentle sandy wind of new songs and feelings flew over the graves of the past. The scene was tedious: the air was too dry to breathe comfortably, grains of sand got into eyes and burned them, and, on the face of it, nothing even changed for the better at the site. However, with time, all the sand settled down, tears solidified it into proper soil, and not a thing could tell that once it had been a burial place. Grass and flowers grew on the well-trodden path of grief, and Alex stopped giving in to the painful temptation to wander there once again and mourn.

In late 2007, however, along with a show in Manchester, life threw Alex a disturbingly enticing map of the seemingly forgotten and overgrown route. Of course, it was not even his first time in the city since the breakup. Due to its size, significance and closeness to Sheffield, the band went there every now and then, and Alex dedicated all his mental resources to chasing away the faint hope of seeing Theo in the crowd once again. Theo did not show up, and the tour went on in the same spirit, with the only delay of a few hours Alex spent staring into the distance while the old footage was rolling in front of his eyes. Those accidental proximities meant close to nothing and did not even cause significant backward shifts in his mind. But a whole hurricane swept through it, when Alex decided to look through the leaflets in the dressing room out of boredom and stumbled upon a concert flyer with a familiar face.  

‘Daggers’… Alex’s thoughts instantly hopped to the old dream, in which Theo had a dagger and used it for a horrifying deed. There was some cruel irony in the band name choice, although Alex had never mentioned that dream to Theo. Alex had pondered it once or twice on his own, particularly in full play of their heartbreaking finale, and, from that point of view, the vision seemed a gloomy symbolic omen. Every detail was clear and explicable now, except for the question why those shock and pain had come to Alex’s mind back then, on that snug and cloudless day. Deep in thought, Alex fumbled with the leaflet, that unexpected invitation to revisit a ghost town, which had once been full of lights and laughter. Fortunately or not, the agitating excursion was scheduled not for some remote and busy date but for tomorrow.

An opportunity to see how Theo had changed and what he looked like on stage was intriguing. The schedule would easily allow Alex to tarry in Manchester for a day, but he hesitated, unsure if it would be a reasonable step. All kinds of accidents could happen, and the following damage would make the recovery start from scratch. And yet, was there really anything bad in dropping in, standing in the back of the room for a couple of songs and not even contacting Theo in any way? Just brief indulgence to curiosity, a harmless peek at the past… particularly when the matters of the present seemed to be solid enough to face such a threat… anyway, he was nowise going to give them up for a dubious step back… Finally, Alex folded the flyer in half and put it into his pocket. The weightless paper seemed to pull the cloth down like a rough rock, and Alex felt it sizzling throughout the show.

The next day, he felt like a trespasser as he walked into the club and squeezed himself into a dark corner, from which the stage was barely visible. Just as nervous as before his own shows, Alex ordered a drink to distract and soothe himself. A ticket was probably not the only permission he needed to be there. Looking around cautiously, Alex wanted to merge with the wall and become invisible. He had no idea how he would behave if his and Theo’s eyes would lock together in perplexity for a second. At the same time, he almost hoped they would. And, however uncomfortable he felt, something was telling him that he was doing the right thing. It was like some kind of circle for their story, considering how and where they had met, and Alex’s sentimentality approved of such literary concepts.

When the show began and Alex saw a brisk glimpse of Theo from behind all the tall backs in front of him, the room seemed to be deoxygenated at once. Gasping and blushing, Alex tried to hide himself even more securely – fortunately, his height and the darkness around allowed it. But if he would hide the whole evening, what was the point of coming at all? The familiar voice was flowing with new confidence and hypnotizing Alex out of his shelter, like a snake at the sounds of a flute. When the initial agitation settled down a bit, Alex dared to peek out and walk closer to the stage, still praying that Theo did not have a habit of scanning the audience and that the lighting in the club was dim enough to mask him.

Hair gel, eyeliner, cheeky moves, some black rags that exposed half of Theo’s torso… Alex threw an embarrassed glance at his own outfit, just the same as at the yesterday’s show: old jeans and a simple light sweater over a shirt; almost a diligent schoolchild’s look. Then he stared at Theo again, so marvelously uninhibited and lively. A true rock’n’roll star. Once again, Alex remarked that short hair suited him much better, although Theo was shaggy in most of his favourite remembrances. On the contrary, Alex had cut his growing hair as a part of the post-breakup impulses and had almost the same haircut as back then. He was examining Theo with an echo of the past tenderness pounding in his mind, and it slid away from Alex’s mind that he did not want to be noticed. The music was not his cup of tea, in general, but even if Theo, with his innate talent to mesmerize, would be meowing or singing shaman mantras, Alex would still be gazing and sighing in admiration. Just as the rest of the audience, probably. At least Alex hoped so.

After a thorough inspection of Theo’s features and skills, Alex felt curious to find Adam. A hazy and seemingly random minute at the nightclub had not left an image clear enough in Alex’s mind but he guessed right at once. Adam looked much more reserved and nervous. He stared at his guitar most of the time and stepped here and there awkwardly. Alex would rather see himself in Adam than in Theo. After all, they were in a similar position indeed, if Miles’ accidental report had been true. From time to time, Adam threw brief admiring glances at Theo, and they as though recharged him with confidence and zeal. Alex looked back on himself at the first festival he had ever played, a clear parallel burning his mind inside with the reanimated spurts of flame he had experienced that day. 

He got carried away so much that he did not notice how the whole show passed by. Alex even forgot to return to his distant corner after the risky sortie. The last synth notes were lingering and applause growing like alarming sirens. Alex flinched and went to the door as fast as he could. Flashbacks so intense and devouring were already enough trouble without Theo noticing him and lashing out. How weak and silly did a heart have to be to come up with such an idea and, what’s worse, melt disgracefully halfway through it? All the old cracks showed again, and even the excruciating pattern was just the same. Alex walked down the street hastily, trying to escape from that club, trying to escape from the past the he had decided to visit so recklessly… 

“Thought I wouldn’t notice?” – to his horror, Alex heard a familiar voice behind his back, and turned around abruptly. Instead of expected annoyance or even fury, he saw a smile. The smile he had never managed to get rid of – in his mind, it was still twinkling now and then like an elusive firefly. Theo had a black leather jacket above his ragged vest now, and the eyeliner was slightly smeared, but even that did not make him look less perfect. Just like when they set their eyes on each other for the first time, Alex fell into a stupor and could not make himself look away, all the racing thoughts and questions in his mind going numb amidst the flooding viscous caramel of the old affection.

“Dared to hope so,” Alex mumbled with a doubtful smile, “I felt kind of culpable from the very porch.”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’m even flattered! It’s also funny because I knew you had a show here yesterday, and I was thinking, maybe…”

The lines of Alex’s face curved into a piteous grimace, and he almost said that he had been thinking just the same – and far more often than just yesterday, but they were standing right in the middle of the narrow sidewalk and discontent passers pushed them all the time.

“Oh, we’re blocking the road… Let’s halt somewhere less busy,” Theo suggested lightly.

Just a few buildings away from them, a narrow alleyway on the right turned into the silent darkness. Theo headed into it, and Alex followed, his heart rushing out of his chest so vehemently as if it wanted to get there first. Leaning against the graffiti-covered wall, Theo smiled amiably again.

“So how are you?”

“Alright. You… uh… look wonderful,” Alex ventured to notice, watching a strand dangling over Theo’s forehead, “Really… impressive.”

“Thanks, you look great too. You haven’t changed much, though. Surprising for your position, I’d say.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll catch up,” Alex smirked, “Oh, is that an earring? I thought it was just some glisten from the spotlight or something.”

“Yeah, it is. Do you like it?”

“It’s cool. Is it the side where…”

“No, not the gay side,” Theo interrupted in such a tensely patient voice as if it was a frequent question.

“Why?”

“It would be some kind of sign that I’m searching. And, well, I’m not.”

This old and battered topic was probably not ready to be grazed yet, and the cautious conversation stumbled as Alex wilted and looked away. In all fairness, he was not searching too, but it would have probably been better just to leave all that information aside.

“I’ve heard your second album, it’s fantastic,” Theo fixed the awkward silence, “What’s coming next?”

“Uh…” Alex stuttered. He would not really manage to leave the dangerous theme aside if he would answer honestly. “Well… more fantastic things, I hope. Thank you, by the way. And how’re your music adventures going?”

“Oh, great! I know we can be bigger and better but at least there’s a lot of stuff going on and we’re working hard. Of course, not without certain problems, mostly financial ones, but it’s alright, on the whole.”

“You’re going to be massive, I bet,” Alex said heatedly, “‘Cause you’re a natural performer, and stage is your home. You’re more of a rock’n’roll star than I’ll ever be. Like, honestly, this is not really my kind of music but you made it so enthralling that I couldn’t keep my eyes off you…”

Theo chuckled softly and looked up at the dark sky, as though reminiscing about something pleasant.

“I know. I saw you gaping but couldn’t make out if you were yawning or admiring,” he smirked, “Thank you for the compliment but I can’t really trust that last part, having seen you staring in me in awe while I was prancing on a fountain…”

The prominent memory made them burst into laughter. Even the murky alleyway seemed cozy when Theo’s smile lighted it up. The more Alex bathed in its glow, the more he felt himself descending into disturbing and intoxicated fog.

“Yeah, those were good days,” Alex said dreamily, his tongue outracing his mind, “Young and enamored. I remember watching you doing so many ridiculous things… but there was hardly a better view for me. And you know… after all this time, I’d still stare with awe no less.”

Only when Theo blushed and started coughing, Alex realized what he had just admitted covertly. Even worse, he felt that it was not just a slip of the tongue in the heat of the reminiscent moment. The feeling had been there all the time, like an old bicycle, once absorbed by a young and soft tree and now impossible to trap out.

“Uh… Al…” Theo murmured, looking at the ground persistently, “Sorry, but I don’t think we can… uh… Not after everything that happened. And I’m dating somebody at the moment, anyway.”

“Sorry, I’m… not, like… asking to start over,” Alex mumbled, his cheeks burning of embarrassment, “Just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything we had… and appreciate you… sorry, it’s really awkward, I didn’t mean to let that out… and I’m not single too so it doesn’t even make sense…”

“Oh…” Theo just said, and Alex tortured himself with hope that there was at least some sorrow in this short sigh, “Yeah, it’s… I understand, of course…”

“Is it Adam you’re dating?” Alex blurted out, and slight surprise stirred Theo’s eyebrows.

“Yes. How did you find out, though?”

“I expected it,” Alex shrugged, choosing to keep away the episode that gave him the absolute certainty and a bucket of tears, “But I’m not resentful by now, just so you know. I hope you’re fine.”

“Yeah, we are, actually. We live together, we write music together, support and inspire each other… so everything’s pretty serious. Uh… Is it alright that I’m detailing this? I don’t mean to hurt you, it’s just so you understand that it’s much easier for me this way.”

“It’s okay. Well, turns out my jealousy was not so unjustified, after all,” Alex said with a faint smile.

“Was mine?” Theo sneered so meaningly as if he already knew the answer.

“Oh, Miles… we… well, it’s a twin situation. We’re in a band together too now. Like, a side project.”

“Wow! Any forthcoming plans?”

“Yeah… An album’s almost complete. Don’t know how it will all turn out and whether there’s ever going to be a second one… maybe it will stay just a private game… but who knows? Anyway, beyond music, we’re fine, so I don’t really have any claims for you.”

“I’ll try to cope,” Theo grinned, tapping on the wall absentmindedly, “By the way, what’s his main band’s name, once again?”

“Miles used to be in The Little Flames but now it’s The Rascals.”

“Ha-ha, it’s funny because we’re performing together soon!”

“Oh… going to be a bit awkward, I guess?” Alex mumbled sympathetically but Theo was still smiling.

“No, why, I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Turns out we met briefly even back then because we’ve got a lot of common friends. But I didn’t know it was that very Miles because we didn’t talk a lot. Can you believe it?”

“Hardly,” Alex said with a reserved chuckle.

“Right! It is a bit sad, though, that we don’t perform together, me and you,” Theo sighed.

“Well, one day, maybe… The last and the only festival we attended together was rather enjoyable so I’d repeat it. Oh shit, that came out wrong!” Alex exclaimed as Theo burst out laughing again, “I didn’t mean that part! I… fucking hell, put that grimace away, it was great, of course, but… we’re not really going to…”

“Never cross anything out, as they say,” Theo laughed off.

“Uh… As in?”

“I’m just kidding. Al, don’t worry, I get what you mean. There’s one thing I want you to know… I’ve forgiven you quite a while ago and I’ve realized how wrong I was about a lot of things. There are no ill feelings whatsoever. But those carefree boys are far behind, and it’s time to move on. Each of us has his own dreams and worries by now. Trying to pull them together would only bring harm. I can see you haven’t let it go completely yet but… just do your thing and you will. It’s inevitable and best for you.”

It was a sensible piece of advice, and Alex knew it. He had not even had plans to talk to Theo again, let alone basically admit that he was still in love with him… The waves of emotions just caught and brought him to an unexpected place, from which he had to get out somehow.

“I know you’re right,” Alex murmured, “Theo, I’m just… glad to know you don’t hate me. It has been haunting me harshly. Frankly, I didn’t even plan to start a talk but deep inside, it was everything I wanted and needed to hear. Now I know I didn’t come in vain, and I’m not asking you for anything else.”

Theo nodded sadly, probably distinguishing that it was not fully true. Even though not asking verbally, a man can be pleading, screaming and weeping in his mind.

“It’s good that you aren’t because even being friends would be hard,” Theo went on in a lower voice, “I believe you don’t want to bring everything back and I know well how two feelings can coexist in one heart. They’re a bit different in their essence and go through separate channels. However, if we keep in touch, they might start overlapping and conflicting. So it would be really dangerous… for both of us.”

The subtle embarrassment in his evasive look was a hint clear enough to understand that Alex was not the only sufferer with one leg in the past. Alex nodded tensely; then they stood silent for a while and changed the topic.

They talked for a while, not coming anywhere close to the borders of the past anymore and imagining the future instead. No actual plans came up in a serious tone – just jocular bets about what their albums would be called, how many spouses each would have and what tattoos, beards and piercings they would acquire. Theo made a joking prediction of Alex breaking bad at 40, growing long hair and a beard, getting a sheet of ridiculous tattoos over his body and playing black metal. Laughing hysterically, Alex revenged himself with a prognosis of Theo settling down in a forest alone and singing disco tunes with animals like a modern Snow White. When their voices got husky of laughter and new jokes just would not come, they decided it was time to part. Theo and Alex stared at each other awkwardly, searching for the words to write the last paragraph of their story.

“Come here, starry boy,” Theo sighed, opening his arms invitingly, “There has to be one last embrace to remember, and back then we couldn’t distinguish it to pay enough attention.”

Just like thousands of times before, Alex threw himself into Theo’s arms, and it felt as habitual and warm as ever. Just a few sensations were new, like the light chemical scent of hair gel and the prickliness of Theo’s sideburns.

“Do you think we’ll ever meet again?” Alex asked, tearing himself off Theo only with a certain mental effort, “Maybe many years later?”

“We’ll see. Pop music is such an unpredictable world. You can’t even say about tomorrow, let alone years later. But, I guess, we’ll be bound to bump into each other if we make it to the top. The higher up the mountain, the less people around.”

“Well, see you at the peak then. No earlier.”

“I must say, I really like this idea,” Theo smiled, “It’s so… cinematic and challenging. Too many things might happen along the way to consider it for real, and yet it’s just nice to think about. They always say ‘don’t look down’ but there’s nothing like that about going upwards, right?”

They said their goodbyes, and Alex went to the distressingly familiar railway station with an aching heart. The station did not even change a bit, and all the effusive greetings and farewells stood before Alex’s eyes like a heartbreaking hologram. He was thinking about the last talk, scolding himself for the awkward sentences as usual and particularly pondering the finale, that wobbly bridge, thrown into the future mostly for a showy scene but hardly for actually walking upon it. There were so many questions inside his head. What would happen in 10 years, for example? Would this story still matter at all? Probably, yes, in any case. The stories we live through at a young age stay carved upon our hearts deeper than any further ones. And yet, would the two couples and bands remain? Would he and Miles ever record the second album and what awaited the first one? What album would Theo and Adam be on by then? Indeed, unthinkably many various scenarios were possible and depended on factors too uncontrollable to be able to predict anything even vaguely.

A trip to London, where Alex lived now, would take twice as long as it usually took him to get from Manchester to Sheffield. Drained by all the impressions, questions and forecasts, Alex fell asleep the moment he got on the train. A long and bright dream jumped off his wistful thoughts and turned them into tangible images. Alex’s unconscious fantasy built up a set of an awards ceremony, with lots of fancy people sitting at the tables and coming to the stage one by one to receive a weirdly shaped statuette. The pattern of the dream was disturbingly meticulous. Alex could actually feel the smell of wine in his glass and hear the songs he had never heard before. Even his hands, a usual reality check for dreams, looked completely normal. There was a big ring on his little finger, and the sleeves seemed to belong to some expensive, tailored suit that Alex could not imagine himself wearing. Matt, Jamie, and Nick were beside him, wearing suits too and looking much older, even though still easily recognizable. Worried, Alex seized a spoon and stared at his own reflection, too distorted by the shape and the dream itself to make something out. He could only figure that his hair was even shorter and slicked back. Apart from this, however, his face had not changed much. Even the stubble was still boyish – just the same few spots on his chin.  

The statuettes went into the hands of bands Alex knew nothing about. Another award was already standing right in front of his face, but Alex could not read the inscription on it. The speeches were boring, and Alex decided to fast-forward through them until something more interesting would come up. More artists, more flat words of gratitude, more audacious jokes… What was the point of a dream so casual and vapid? And suddenly Alex hit the pause button. Theo and Adam appeared on the stage to receive an award, and it was finally a scene Alex would prefer to see in detail. He stretched up to see better. Unlike his friends, Theo and Adam had actually changed a lot, from hairstyles to outfits. Dapper, tidy and dignified, they were a huge contrast to the cheeky show Alex had just attended in reality. Too busy examining yet another version of Theo, Alex did not even grasp the nomination or the speech.  

As though deafened, Alex watched Theo and Adam coming back to their table – not so far away from Alex’s one, as it turned out – and speaking to their friends who seemed to be congratulating them. In this bizarre dream, Alex was sure that there had been no contacts between him and Theo for a long time, but he could not help staring shamelessly. Their older versions even seemed to be similar in a way. Alex could hardly accept his own new image so fast, but Theo appealed to him at once. He always did, whether an awkward long-haired teenager, a punkish energizer or a reserved ideal of elegancy. Unlike real life, Alex was praying that Theo would turn his head and gift him a glance, but there were too many chatting and laughing people around him, and Alex himself had enough friends and admirers to talk to. It was both funny and sad to think about how all these people had been hailing them both just a while ago but none of them knew how once they had been lying in each other’s arms and laughing at some stupid pun, just two boys who could barely visualize the huge upward road in front of them.

In the dream, Alex felt much more confident – maybe it just came with the imaginary age – and went after Theo the minute the ceremony ended. The crowd was too thick, and the ground just refused to let Alex’s desperately moving legs go, as it sometimes happens in dreams. Finally, Alex broke outside and noticed what he was seeking. Theo’s white suit was so distinct in the dark as if it was glowing on its own, and he was walking down the street all alone, with no rapturous suite or even a single appreciative companion by his side.

“Got a minute to accept some late congrats?” Alex asked cheekily, making the final step to emerge by Theo’s side.

“Always got a few for you, Alex,” Theo smiled, slowing down, “But I think you’ll need much more than a minute to congratulate me on all the awards I’ve received in these… oh my god, how many years has it been since we saw each other?”

“Too many, I know. Always roaming close and never saying a word… Like parallel lines. Fucking ridiculous.”

“Indeed. Well, how were these years for you?”

“Wrote a few tunes, nothing much,” Alex chuckled, “The same serenity for you, I guess?”

Theo laughed at the pretended modesty and nodded.

“Yeah, right. Such a calm and eventless decade. My pipe and rocking chair are arriving tomorrow.”

“Oh, can’t wait for your expert advice then. I’m going to buy them too and stare at my tomato garden, puffing magnificent cherry clouds out of my pipe.”

“It almost sounds like we’re really old.”

“Well, we kind of are.”

“Oh, come on!” Theo exclaimed, and it was such a familiar phrase and tone then Alex could not help smiling to himself, “All I can say is that you’ve been a grandfatherly wimp as long as I have known you so it’s not really something new and disturbing.”

“From the very first day, I’ve appreciated your kindness to me,” Alex remarked amiably and threw a glance at the shop window on the right. His reflection was a bit more legible now. “You’re right, though. But I also look like a grandpa now. And you do as well.”

“You know nothing, Alex, that’s the aim,” Theo laughed, “Stylish like an old man on the outside, fervent like an adolescent at heart.”

“Yeah, I can see the essence hasn’t changed much, whatever garments you cover it with.”

“Same about you. And it’s funny because you can spit out speeches and pout all you want but all I see is a tiny boy in Adidas who has never had a decent haircut, trying to squeeze out a few coherent sentences.”

The good old badinage almost made Alex feel like that boy all over again. The crust of developed self-confidence and pride cracked, and all the old and soft layers showed.

“Well, uh… I’m still trying,” Alex uttered gingerly, “At certain moments…”

The corners of Theo’s mouth rose slightly as he looked down at the pavement.

“I see. And I, at certain moments, am still hoping to hear them from you. I’m glad I finally have.”

If not for the stirring and luxurious streets of Central London around them, it would be so easy to think that it was just another long-forgotten stroll around Sheffield or Manchester. The ghosts of juvenile endearments and foolish jokes were waving from friendly ambush, ready to jump out anytime. The softness of Theo’s chuckles and the piercing luminosity of his eyes took Alex back through all the action-packed years. Although he had no idea where they were going, it seemed impossible that they could end up somewhere else than in Theo’s old poster-covered room.

“It feels just like back then,” Alex noticed, “And they say time travel is impossible.”

“Oh, they’re just fools. Humanity’s potential is boundless.” 

“This is so weird… as if none of those years and things happened at all. And so many did, in fact!”

“Well, tell me about them,” Theo beamed, “I’m in no hurry to get home and sit there all alone.”

For a whole minute or two, Alex kept silent and only hummed occasionally to show that he was just choosing what to begin with. The immense foggy storehouse of real and imaginary memories entwined was hard to sort out.

“Okay, I’ll wait. Let me know when you’re done with your memoirs and I’ll pre-order them,” Theo snickered.

“Nah, don’t think there’s that possibility at all. It’s just… Too many snippets come to my mind at the same time,” Alex mumbled, trying to twiddle the sharpness knob of the dream, “Well, probably the most persistent one of them is… when I heard your voice on the radio for the first time.”

“Wow. Sounds like something I should prepare a tissue for.”

“Oh, not really. I was driving to the studio and, when you suddenly started singing in my car, I almost threw a fivefold accident. Luckily, I managed to turn aside and hit the brakes just in time but… I spilled a milkshake all over myself and sat like that throughout the song.”

Theo pursed his lips, trying not to laugh.

“Very touching. Did you like it, at least?”

“Of course, I did. Otherwise I, uh… wouldn’t have reacted so intensely.”

“Whoa, I’ve seen some weird ways of expressing appreciation but I don’t think I’ve ever almost caused fivefold accidents!” Theo laughed, and an abashed smile cleansed Alex’s strained face.

“Uh… Yeah, I hope it was just a single occurrence. Any embarrassing stories in return? Your file is really thick, I suppose.”

“Ha-ha, right, you know me well. Where do I begin?”

“Try something that rhymes with mine because I feel kind of defenseless right now.”

“Well, I’ve actually listened to everything you’ve written but spilled no milkshakes, sorry,” Theo smirked as Alex shook his head with a patient smile, “Alright, there was a worse story, though… At a festival, a few years ago. I knew you would be there and I got a sudden urge to see you, to see how you have changed… so I sneaked backstage during your show and…”

“Wait, when was that? I don’t think I’ve ever noticed you backstage.”

“Well, I was hoping you wouldn’t!” Theo shrugged with a regretful chuckle, “At some point, you came alarmingly close to that part of the stage. I didn’t want to cause an awkward scene so I tried to flee. But I stumbled over a wire and fell near a guitar stand. Guitars rained all over me. Apparently, you walked away before it happened – and thank god you did because I really wouldn’t want you to see me buried under a pile of guitars… your guitars, probably.”

“A buried treasure, though,” Alex laughed. While the news that he had missed such a view once was a bit a sad, it was heartwarming to find out that, during all those years, Theo had thought about him too, Theo had wanted to see him, Theo had never cast him away as a useless souvenir…

“Thank you, Al, but at that point I thought that for you it would be more like digging out a skeleton of the past in your back garden so I tried to get out as fast as I could,” Theo sighed.

“You shouldn’t have. There were none deadly undertones… ever. Instead, there were fits of missing you, regular as clockwork and growing more frequent as we were wandering closer and closer,” Alex said quietly, “Why did it even take us so long to drop a word?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time.”

“We met at the wrong at time, to begin with. Can you imagine how different everything would’ve been, with our current brains and positions?”

“Yeah, probably,” Theo admitted melancholically, “The more I think about it, the more I believe it wasn’t a matter of some crucial incompatibility you just can’t put up with, however hard you try. It was just age, inexperience, circumstances… We’ve outgrown all of that. Now we’re on the same level, which is an important thing in relationships. Both mature, experienced and successful. I’m not that demanding and whiny kid now, I swear.”

“You had all the rights and reasons to be,” Alex shook his head, “I was overwhelmed by success to the point where everything else seemed to be either negligible or obstructive, easily pushed to the side of the road to keep moving. And I was frightened and kind of ashamed… unwilling to start with a scandal… All those things needed time to settle down in the right order, and I’m sorry you met me during that unfortunate period.”

“It wasn’t unfortunate at all. So many good things happened then. And even those that weren’t so great led to something better in the end.”

“It’s true. So peculiar how some colossal events have happened since then and you could think they would just overlap anything else with their greatness… and yet I can’t get it out of my mind, those lingering railway station kisses or your improvised show on the fountain…”

The childishly ridiculous but touching episode made Theo perk up with a chuckle.

“I didn’t even realize how much it meant,” Alex went on in a sentimentally hazy voice, “Now you sing for thousands and on the biggest stages instead of a cracked fountain… And I do too… But I’d give a lot to repeat that little night performance just with the two of us, laughing in the dark, finding the light in each other and falling in love hopelessly.”

Gaping like a naive child, Theo stared at Alex and did not even notice that he was walking into a tree. Alex pulled him by the elbow in time and prevented the crash, but Theo’s eyes were still locked on him intently. Maybe, Alex thought, it was too much, maybe Theo would remind once again how unwise their reunion would be and tell him to forget about it for good and all… Theo had been silent for so long that Alex would prefer him to say at least this than just drill him with his eyes.

“Sorry, it’s just…” Alex mumbled helplessly, “I shouldn’t have said it. Don’t get me wrong, I… I’m really glad you’ve conquered that altitude…”

Finally, Theo let out a gentle snicker, soothing the tension in Alex’s mind a bit.

“What a funny word,” he grinned, “Al – it’s you, T – the nickname you called me, and ‘tude’ – a suffix for abstract words, like ‘gratitude’, ‘beatitude’… and altogether – a great height. It’s really our word.”

“Whoa… It is,” Alex smiled, struck by the disclosure of the idea that had been haunting them from the very start. But was this sharp-witted word the answer to his revelations? Saying nothing more and staring down pensively, Theo slowed down and stopped, and Alex followed his example in confusion, freezing right behind him. Theo probably just wanted to say goodbye and get on a bus, drop into a shop or call a friend and arrange a meeting, Alex thought in sorrow. God knows how much personal business to do Theo had, besides bearing Alex’s nostalgia politely. “Well… uh…” he murmured, backing away, “It’s getting late so… uh… anyway, nice seeing you… and congrats on the award, once again…”

With a slight wince of surprise, Theo turned around and seized Alex’s wrist.

“Al, wait… There are much better awards in life than those trinkets,” Theo said hastily, “Like when years of reflection and regret are rewarded with an accidental meeting and a chance to start over again.”

“Theo… Do you really want to…” Alex mumbled, his hand getting weak in Theo’s grasp. People and lights around merged into indistinguishable and worthless streams of color. “When so many years have passed…”

“They had to pass. There had to be some time for you to arrange your thoughts and grow bolder, for me to become tired of bathing in fame and playing with sugared toys, for both of us to think everything through and come to a conclusion. I’ve made mine. Through all these years, I’ve met so many people and seen so many places but I couldn’t find a person as perfect for me as you are and nowhere felt as nice as my tiny room when you came there on weekends. Among all the good things fame brings, it doesn’t really bring sincerity, concord and genuine intimacy. But now I know where to look for them, and I promise to give you just the same and even more, if only you let me,” Theo said, squeezing Alex’s hand confidently, “Have you made your conclusion, Al?”

Big innocent eyes, a hopeful grasp and mouth agape – it was just like years ago, when Theo had asked Alex to come back to Manchester and go on a simple walk with him. The conclusion, frankly speaking, had already been made back then.

“I have,” Alex smiled and pressed the decision against Theo’s lips. As Theo smiled into the kiss and pulled him close, Alex felt certain that the embrace was there to stay this time. They were invincible and all-powerful like the conquerors of a magic mountain, maybe even that mountain from the old dream. Once, two carefree boys, they had been running upon its flowery slopes, and now they were standing on its top, holding each other tight and capable to go anywhere. Take a stroll down and lie on the grass or soar into the sky and race among the clouds… Everything was possible, when they were together at the peak at last.

Suddenly the perfect image cracked, and a dry voice interrupted the ambient noise of a night street and announced that the train had arrived in London. Alex woke up with a flinch so hard that he hit his head on the windowpane, against which he had been resting his head. There was no classy suit, no big ring and no smiling Theo. Just a motionless train and a crowd of apathetic people leaving it.

As Alex was trailing across the platform with a sad smile, the tremendous vision was still bright in his head. Of course, whether he would decide to believe it or not, the dream had not even answered all of his questions. For instance, it was unfair and wicked of his unconscious to neglect one of the most important things, his relationship with Miles. While Theo and Adam apparently were, to put it briefly, alright but not that alright, Alex had no guesses about his own personal life. Even if there had been some hints, he could not grasp them.

Wait, what hints… It was just a dream, not some beneficent livestream from the future, Alex had to remind himself, when he realized that he was just overanalyzing an imaginary plot. However, he found it impossible to switch his mind from such an outstanding, detailed and even realistic dream. In spite of the initial surprise, Alex could actually imagine Theo saying and doing those things; he could even imagine both of them evolving into those classy men with a core just as soft and sensitive as years before. Walking away from the railway station, Alex scanned the dark streets of London they had just roamed, as if the rosy ghost was about to float from around the corner. He really wanted it to show up. But not right now… On the appointed date. How many years had to pass? A whole decade? Or less – 8 or 9? Would Alex even remember this dream after such a long time? Was it even worth remembering? If only there had been a way to find out right now, to ask somebody, whether at least a few parts of this vision would come true… There was only one person, whose assumptions on a matter so intangible and unearthly Alex would believe easily, even after all this time.

It flashed through Alex’s mind that they had already discussed such a topic a long time ago. He had even received an answer to his present nagging question. The short lecture on dreamology dispelled the anxious pre-festival snippets, which had caused it in the first place, and confirmed the old spine-chilling vision that Alex had been recalling the day before. Did it support the new dream, a much more inspiring and heartwarming one, which also had all the listed qualities? Hadn’t Theo promised that second volume of their story – not only back in the summer of 2005, when he had been ranting about prophetic dreams and trying to cheer Alex up but also just a few hours ago, when they had arranged a meeting, as distant and incredible as a faraway planet? Moreover, whatever the attitude towards such mystical portents, would Theo himself prefer to believe in something so rosy and fascinating? Of course, he would.

Smiling to himself peacefully, Alex went home with a calmer heart. At least one perfect day in the future was booked, and the rest would certainly line up all right. Illuminated and warmed by the light of the distant aerial date, Alex had no doubts about it.


End file.
